People are making me crazy.

I'm a 35 year old woman with a house, two cars and three children. Now, I didn't get here alone, but I am left here to fend for myself. So that being said, shouldn't I be capable of making my own decisions? I'm so tired of people telling me to be careful of my finances. I know money isn't everything, but it's Christmas and I like to give. Not to mention, why can't I have my new kitchen? Don't I get something that will make me happy out of all this? "This" sucks.

Brian's office is apparently collecting money for Christmas gifts for the girls. I hate being the charity case. They don't need anything. NOTHING! I've bought far too much already. I'm trying to purge, not collect more stuff. I went through everything that I have purchased for the kids and realized I've already overdone it. I know that no one thing will bring their father back, but I can try to bring them joy in other ways. I just don't want handouts. If they insist on giving money, then by all means please put it in their college fund.

Madison and Taylor went under the house to get all of the Christmas stuff out off the crawl space. They did it all by themselves. Ok, so I lugged it upstairs, but they were two determined little beings. Morgan came home later to help decorate it. The whole experience wasn't so bad. I thought it would be horrible, but it wasn't. I put up several of Brian's ornaments from his childhood. The kids decorated it the way they wanted. We have colored, non-blinking lights. It's what they wanted. We put up a lighted wreath and trees outside. That's about all the decorating I'm doing. The kids put the little elves up around the living room.

I'm finding that it is shopping that is giving me more anxiety than anything. I went to the grocery store the other day and felt short of breath and fuzzy. I chalked it up to low blood sugar. Then yesterday I went to Kohl's and saw all of the men's things and began to think of Brian. The girls always picked out character pajama bottoms from there. I got short of breath again and felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I took deep breaths as I walked down the aisles. Then I found a book called, "I Know My Daddy Loves Me." Of course I had to read it. So, then I cried. I got my stuff and got out of there. I then had a bright idea to go to Target to pick up a few things. It only got worse there. I had breakfast, so it wasn't the blood sugar. What do I do? This is making shopping not fun at all. Not that it has been. I'm going for my follow up with my new medication next week. I'll let him know. Meanwhile I get to go to his family's Christmas party this weekend. I told his mother that we needed to put a sign on the door that said, "We are all ok, please don't ask." Think it would work? I doubt it too.

I'll wrap this up with a conversation with my youngest daughter last night as we were putting up the tree.

T: Mommy, do you think you'll get remarried?
Me: Yes.
T: Well, when?
Me: When I find someone special again.
T: Why don't you go to www.whynotdateme.com

Out of the mouths of babes.

On a high for the week.

Well, my director agreed to withdraw me from my social studies class. It won't even show up on my transcript. I will take it next fall and student teach in the spring of 2011. I have a plan. I walked out of there feeling like the weight of the world was off of my shoulders. I've been in such a good mood ever since. Now, my mother isn't very happy, but then again when is she ever happy? She's worried about money and insurance. Blah, blah, blah. I'll just sub more to get more $$. I really should have kept my old job, but hindsight is 20/20. Who knew that I would need more time with school?

Things are coming along. Mom and Dad are spending the night on Christmas Eve, so the girls and I won't be alone for Christmas morning. I plan on ordering a turkey for Christmas from Wegmans. I don't feel like cooking. It's all I can do to think about putting up a tree. Ugh. The girls decorated a small tree to put on Brian's grave. We will take it there next Sunday on our way to Mom and Dads.

A friend of mine is helping me plan for a new kitchen. I'm sure Mom will LOVE this. Oh well, we will be fine on money. I'm sure of it. I keep thinking that I'll get it back when I sell the house. I may even like the house a little better. I really like the new layout. I hope it works out. I'm living for today, not for tomorrow. You just never know...

As for Pat, we had a great talk last night. We are just friends, but it's nice he confides in me and vice versa. He reminds me a lot of Brian. Chad came over the other night to check on us. He stayed for like 5 hours on Friday night. I'm hoping Lisa wasn't too mad. It was so nice to see the kids laughing and wrestling with him. It was like Brian was in the air. There was a feel of family. He played Rock Band with the girls and we even judged the kids playing, "So you think you can dance." It was hilarious. It was a wonderful night.

Morgan is going back to counseling tonight. I'm hoping to set up a standing appt. so that this stomach thing can come to a close. I don't know what else to do.

Well, the dinner bell is ringing. I must feed the little children. :)

Slap in the face

I have read several books on grieving: ones for children and for widows. Not one mentioned that month 6/7 would be the worst yet. I've totally lost it. I spent the entire time at the grief counselors crying. Then I came home to cry for another hour. I skipped class that night. I just couldn't be with people. I kept the babysitter and went to see the The Blind Side instead. Good movie. Robin, my counselor, suggested a few things to help me out in life.

1. Go to Mom's for Christmas so I don't have to be here.
2. Tell professors I need to slow down.

My kids nixed the Christmas at Mom's. They want it here. I can't blame them a bit, but it would make my life easier. For once, it's not all about me. So Christmas will be here in their home. I was able to get a majority of the kids Christmas presents on Black Friday. I just need to pick up little things here and there. It's my parents and others I need to get. Not sure what to do for all of them.

As for school, I spoke with my social studies professor last night and I think I'm going to drop her class. I'll finish up the math class, but I'm so far behind in SS that there is no way I will catch up. I go to talk to the director tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it all. I just have to go slower. One class at a time. I have a plan. Let's just hope the director agrees. It may be Spring of 2011 before I graduate, but I'll get there.

I think we should all write our own books. I know everyone's jouney is different, but we learn so much along the way. I'd give anything to wake up next to Brian again. I often wonder if I will ever get there again. Remember Pat, the guy I said I wasn't interested in? Well, I honestly don't think I am. But I must like the idea of his individual attention. He had told me before the engagement party not to let him know if I did hook up with anyone. I explained that wasn't fair and he responded with, I want my cake and eat it too. So, I guess that is my issue too. I got all hyped up when he called on Black Friday, even though he knew I was shopping with my aunts and cousins. He said he was checking up on me. Well that same night he texts me and answers that he is watching tv. I asked with who and he responded with a friend from work. I then told him he shouldn't be texting me then. The next night I made the mistake of asking him if this person was a boy or girl. It was a girl. I figured. He asked if I was mad. I said no, but asked how he'd feel if the tables were turned. He said he'd be jealous but happy for me. I told him I was, but in reality I wasn't. Then it dawned on me why I was so angry, he will hang out with her and won't even hang out with me as a friend. I let him know. All he could say is sorry. So now, I've let him text me first. He has been every night. I refuse to ask about the girl. He wouldn't kiss and tell anyway. Not sure what is going on here. Guess I thought he'd be the one who's chest I could lay on and have it mean nothing. So much for that. I know it's a lot to ask of a guy. Not to mention the train of baggage I bring along.

Thanksgiving went well. Judy and Joe weren't themselves, but it was nice. Mom and Dad came to support me. All of his family was there. The kids had great time playing. We get to do it all again on the 12th for the annual Christmas party. I'm not sure how they are still putting it on. It's not like Brian was the star of the party, but things just aren't the same there. The kids and Judy are going to decorate a small tree to put up for Brian at the cemetery. I can't even stand the sound of Christmas music. I am so anti-Christmas that it's not funny. I'm trying to keep it to myself for the kids, but not sure if I can make it the 24 days without losing it.

I'm not subbing anymore until after break. I need to get this house in order. It's a disaster. And even if I'm not subbing, my days seem to fill up so fast. I have two assignments left in Math and I'll be done. I'll be so glad come Dec. 17th.

I've either been up really late or sleeping all day. I can't get regulated. I was up till 4:30am on Sunday night, but then came home to take a 3 hour nap. There is no time for naps between now and Sunday. I look forward to them too. It's the only place I can go and forget the rest of this life. Guess I should head there now. A day of leisure is now full of three different meetings and basketball practice. Good nite all.

Feeling blue

I'd like to know how one can visit "The Happiest Place on Earth" and not feel so happy. We just got back from Disney World with my mom, aunts and cousins. I'm not sure if was the amount of people in our group or the grief, but I just didn't have the magical feeling. Yes, I had fun, but not super fun. I LOVE Disney. It just wasn't the same this time. Nothing to get psyched over. I feel like all of my funness (is that a word?) was taken when Brian died. We did have a good time though. The kids were the priority. I have to thank my mother for the distraction from Halloween at home. Halloween was a bigger holiday for our family than Thanksgiving. We would always have people over to a pumpkin carving night. It was a big toodoo. But now, those days are gone. The kids started talking about Christmas today. I explained that it would be different this year. They asked questions about who would put up the tree, etc. It was always something Brian and the kids did. They helped him assemble the fake tree. I hate change.

Brian's mother has invited us to Thanksgiving dinner, along with my parents. I'm wondering if my mother would go, for me. My MIL invited my parents too. It would help me alot in making a decision of whose house to go to. I know they will always be in my life, but I would really like to be with my family. Can I have it all? These are the decisions I will have to make. Forever...

So after I made my last post, the following day I get another drunk text from J asking for, well, you know. I asked him if he could still give me what I wanted. He said yes for that night, but not sure on any other night. I told him to take a hike. Ok, so if I would have had a sitter, I would have been in the car in a heartbeat, but I didn't. I texted him on Halloween wishing him a good one. He responded, so I guess he's not too upset. At least I'm angry at him now. The anger makes me think twice. Meanwhile another friend, P, that I have been in contact with thought I wanted something more. I explained I didn't, but just like having a guy to talk to. He's divorced with a three year old. It's not quite the same, but similar. We listen to each other rant about things. It's nice. I have no attraction to him what-so-ever. He's just a nice guy.

The girls and I are going to a Hopice "reunion" from the kids summer camp this weekend. I get to meet other parents too. Not sure how I feel about that, but it's only 2 hours. I can do it. The kids are excited to see thier camper friends. I'm glad they made the best of the situation.

I have so much paperwork to go through. I'm a little behind in it. I feel like I'm drowning. I can't even tread water at this point. I just want to put my head in the sand and pretend the world doesn't exist. My bed being the sand. lol. Speaking of, I'd better call it a night.

Been on a Bumpy Ride

I am ten days short of six months without Brian. Since school started, I have been having a very difficult time. It hasn't been one thing in particular. It has been a combination of EVERYTHING. I enjoyed my long term sub position but was ready to be done when my time was up. That on top of grad school and the kids put me over the edge. I put off all grad work until the sub position was over, Oct. 1. And here it is Oct. 17 and I'm still behind. I got kicked out of my endorsement class and absolutely HAVE to have it to student teach in the spring. I freaked at first, but have come to deal with the reality. So, I don't graduate in the Spring. I wait till fall. So what? I still finish, right? My mother is unaware of this. She is going to freak out. I set up a meeting with the director of the program for Monday. We shall see what she says my options are. I know that I cannot take on anymore at the moment. I find it very difficult to concentrate on anything. I can read a chapter and not remember a damn thing. Hence the drop out of the endorsement class. Ugh.

All I want to do, and all I seem to be doing, is lie in bed. I get the kids off to school and climb back in bed. I'm guessing it doesn't help I'm up so late like tonight. Today I slept until 2pm, got up, showered, did the dishes and then went to get the girls from school. Honestly, I want to drop the kids off at my mother's for a week and stay in bed. I would hope that after a week I would get sick of it and snap out of this funk. I am far worse than I was in the beginning. People said this would happen. I thought I was doing so well. I see it happening before my eyes, yet I can't do anything to stop it. I know the difference between right and wrong and what I am doing is wrong. Tonight was the first, maybe second, night I cooked dinner since he's been gone and ate as a family. Six months people.

Brian was my best friend. He was the one I would be talking to now about all of this. But he's not here. My best friend is gone. To read it makes it so real. I miss him. I miss his voice, his eyes, his touch, and him being a daddy. I get very little break. I want that time at 6pm when he used to walk in and take over. I don't get that anymore. The girls, they miss him so. Poor Morgan has been taking over. Sad, but true. God love her. She has been helping out in the kitchen at breakfast and lunch. I try to tell her how much I appreciate all she does. She starts counseling again on Monday. I'm hoping it helps her stomach issues. They were ok for a bit until school started. I'm guessing the stress of school triggered it again.

I myself have felt ill lately. I had finally written the old boyfriend off and then I get the call. You know the drunk dialer. He said everything I had so wanted to hear. EVERYTHING. He explained to me why he had waited and asked if I was glad. I am, I know I'm not ready. He promised me the moon, stars and the sun and reneged the next day. I'm guessing the alcohol gave him the courage to say the truth and then that scared him. I was sick all weekend. Not sure if it was Jay or a stomach bug. I'm thinking a little of both, since I have been feeling nauseous every time he comes up in thought or conversation. We did talk last night and agreed to be "friends." I'll take it. I'm not sure I'm really ready for anything more anyway. He says he's used to doing things whenever and wherever without checking in with someone and he's still wants to play the field. Whatever field that is. We are 35 people. lol. I asked him what he thought it was I really wanted from the relationship. Then I laid it all out there. I said I wanted to lie with a man with my head on his chest while watching TV. I asked if he could give me that, because THAT is what I want. He ignored the question and we have moved on. I just can't let things go. I bring up past conversations and probably say too much. This dating thing, whenever I get there, is going to suck. I'm too straight forward now. Brian didn't play games. Say what you want. Bottom line. So, now I do.

Anyway, I have started seeing a grief counselor. She is awesome. I'm hoping to go back next week. She makes me feel normal. Whatever that is.

I've officially been up for 12 hours and it's 2am. Guess I should go to bed. Tomorrow we have the school funfair and the movies with my cousin. I'll be putting on the brave face for the funfair. I'll be getting all of "the looks" that I dread. You know, the ones that say, "Oh her husband is dead, she must be a mess." Yes, yes I am.

The Dance

"The Dance" starring Brian and Toni

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance


Brian and I were like two dancers moving in sync with the music. We knew who was going left and who was going right. Sometimes he led and I followed and sometimes I led and he followed. We just were. At parties we could be together, yet apart. We knew each others thoughts and movements. It is so hard to be at parties with a bunch of couples. I'm always the third wheel. I envy those that share a kiss in the corner. I cringe when I see families laughing from a far. Why isn't that me? Why can't I have that? What did I do to deserve to be alone? We were perfect. When I see couples fighting over stupid stuff at parties I just want to shake them and tell them to get over it and love one another. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Though six months ago, if someone would have told me the same, I would have shrugged them off.

Nothing is forever and we need to treat each day as if it were our last. On my birthday we all went out to dinner. As we walked to the ice cream shop we passed by several little shops with cute displays in the windows. As I was ordering our ice cream, Brian said he would be right back. He didn't want anything. He returned with a big bag. I asked him what it was and he told me it was a birthday present. Being sentemental, I didn't want to open it until I got home. It turns out that he bought me a wooden sign that said, "Always Kiss Me Goodnight." I LOVED it. It is so true. I didn't like going to bed fighting. There were many a nights that we were up until all hours talking until all was well. Making up was much more fun than fighting.

I'm not sure what I will do without my dancing partner. For now I will dance. This is what I believe Brian is telling me to do:

I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..

For now I chose to dance. Sometimes fast and sometimes slow, but I will keep on dancing.

Moving forward, but dragging my feet.

Brian's boss sent me an email yesterday stating that Sept. 1, 2009 would have been Brian's 6th year anniversary at AmCad. The place he loved going to everyday was the place that helped take his life. Ok, so that is just my opinion, but I feel the stress from his job contributed to his untimely death. I know that heredity, diet and other things contributed as well, but still. They stole his sole and took advantage of a very good man. He never said no. He made whatever they wanted work.

I miss talking to him. After class yesterday I wanted to call him on my way home. I miss the hugs and kisses. I miss hearing his voice. What happens if I forget his voice? I know I have videos of the girls and him, but I'm not ready to watch them yet.

This semester I have a full load. How am I ever going to get through this without him. I depended on him for so many things. He got me through so many projects and papers. He always knew how to talk me down from one of my anxiety attacks. Brian would proof read my assignments and give me feedback. He would keep the girls while I attended classes. He would make dinner and put them to bed. Oh how I miss him. I know that I have to finish this program in order to support my family, but I was hoping to do so with Brian by my side. I wanted him to be in my graduation picture.

I find myself, purposefully, not looking at pictures of him. I'm not sure if it is too painful or if I like to pretend he is still away. I want to get new pictures of the girls together. I was going to do it for his birthday, but his time ran out. I thought of having the 4 of us done, but that is so permanent. Us, without him.

Taylor has been giving me a really hard time lately. Her temper tantrums are coming more often. Over the weekend I had to drag her out of Costco screaming. I had told her that she couldn't have a lava lamp and she threw a fit. I had her sisters put the Halloween costume back. She didn't deserve anything for that behavior. That is when she hit me with her cast. When I grabbed her she proceeded to bite me on my arm. I still have the bruise. With that I left my mother to pay for our items and took Taylor to the van. What on earth do I do with her? Is it grief, age, or anger? Is she just testing me? I'm so done with this. I'm hoping when school starts that she will get better. Maybe we all need a little structure in our lives. I have enjoyed spending the summer with the girls, but we all need to get back to reality. Even if it does suck!

We are all moving forward into these uncharted waters. Together we can do it. For better and for worse.

Summer of Fun

So remember when I said all I wanted to do was sleep? Well I got part of my wish. Last night I went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 8:30am this morning to take my girls to camp. I was back in bed by 8:44am and slept until 11:06am. You would think I would be well rested, but I think I could honestly stay in bed all day and sleep. I remember my mother doing this when I was a kid. I was left to fend for myself on weekends for breakfast. Bryers ice cream was delicious. No wonder I was so heavy in 4th grade. Is this how my children will remember me? Will they remember eating popcorn, cereal or poptarts for breakfast. (Those are the current meals of each child.) I try to pull it together for them and do fun things during the day, but by nights end I am done.

We went to King's Dominion today (a local amusement park). The kids had a great time, although my youngest couldn't do too much due to her cast. I am actually going to call the Dr. in the morning about the cast. We are scheduled to go to an indoor water park for a few days next week, but I am worried they won't let her do any of the activities with her cast on. So much for the waterproof cast. Do I jeperdize her healing wrist so that she can have fun on our trip? Or do I cancel the trip? It's our summer of fun. We actually leave for the beach tomorrow too for the weekend. Busy time before school starts. I guess I'm doing this all out of guilt. Once school starts for the kids and me (grad school), life is going to be chaos. I have class 3 nights a week and the kids will have a sitter. I feel horrible for having someone else care for them and putting them to bed instead of me. I keep telling myself, "Only one more semester." I just have to keep telling myself that. I'm just not sure how I am going to do ALL of this alone.

Ok, enough whining. I'm going to fold my laundry and head off to bed. Here is to a happy weekend at the beach!!!!

At the end of my rope.

In the midst of thinking I'm doing ok. I realized today that I am NOT. This parenting without a break thing sucks. He doesn't come home to releave me like he used to. I sleep all the time in the day, but not at night. I've been taking the kids to camp at 8:30am and going back to bed until 11:00. This leaves me enough time to take a shower before picking them up. Though yesterday I didn't even shower. I slept 25 minutes longer. There are days that I even take naps in the afternoon as well. I totally lost it today with my children. I gave them the warning of: "Mommy's going to lose it, so go find something to play with." I feel so guilty, but I just needed quiet time. No whining, no gimmies, no fighting. I tried to apologize to the girls. I'm hoping they are resilient. In the 'moment,' I could feel my BP shooting up. I hate feeling out of control. I have so many things to do, but no motivation to do them. I'm doing the laundry now for the beach this weekend. I need to straighten up the basement, have the kids clean thier rooms, put away the clean clothes and declutter the living room. Though, I have nothing to give. I'm on empty.

Funny how I can say I'm doing well, when in reality I'm not. I can get the kids where they need to go, and make sure they are fed and in bed on time. I kinda lose track of the bathing, but for the most part they are fairly clean. lol. Here is hoping for a better tomorrow. We are going out to dinner tonight because who wants to cook? Not me!

Does Lightening Strike Twice?

I miss him. I miss the smell of his hair. The touch of his skin. The goodbye kisses in the morning. The phone calls in the middle of the day. The sound of the kids yelling, "Daddy's home." I miss hearing him read the kids a bedtime story at night. Falling asleep on his chest every night with his arm around me holding me close. I miss seeing him cook on the grill. I miss buying him clothes, Pepsi's and Sour Cream and Onion chips. I miss hearing his voice. I miss his I love you's.

Will anyone ever love me the way Brian did? He gave his everything to us all. I wanna be loved again. To be hugged again. And to be kissed again with such passion. I miss him. Together forever, till death do us part.

The Girls are Back in Town

My babies are finally all home. All children are home for the summer. The girls seemed to have a good time at grief camp. They have only shared a few intimate experiences with me. Each day I seem to get a little more information from them. They all talked about the Healing Circle. I like that. We are all healing from this horrible tragedy. Though it will take our wounds far longer to recover than any scab. Each camper was able to make a stuffed animal and dress it in an adorable outfit. How cool is that? I was able to talk to two of the girls' Big Buddies. They were able to briefly share that Madison and Taylor were able to laugh, cry and share their stories at the Healing Circle. I am so proud of my girls for facing something so difficult with strangers and leaving with new friendships.

Remembering the beginning

I finally brought home the box of notes and momentos from my parents house. The box was filled with notes and things from high school and college. I threw away anything irrelivent, but kept everything else. I have been reading the notes each night before bed. Even as a sophomore in high school he loved me. The notes have not made me sad at all. They have only made me smile. I was loved by a man with all his heart. I'm a lucky lady. I wonder if there will be another man that can love me half as much as Brian. He was such a romantic even then. He said silly things like: I love you more than infinity +2. There were more, but I forget them. I'll be sure to read them again tonight. Brian was a wonderful man who loved me and the girls with all his heart. Why did it take me until his death to dig out the old notes? I'm glad I have them though. I can now show my girls how much he cared for me. I want them to know they came from loving parents. I hope they can remember.

I've hung out with Brian's best friend and his fiance for the past two days while the girls have been at grief camp. We spent last night talking about Brian and how the girls will be dating before we know it. Some how I got all teary eyed after Ryan mentioned always being there for me and my girls. Through my tears I said I was counting on it. I want the girls to have a male influence in their life. I'm so afraid they are going to go looking for it as teens in the form of a boy looking for something other than real friendship. I myself remember doing this as a teen. My dad wasn't around much at that time, but I needed some attention. I was lucky to have had a pretty good head on my shoulders though. All I can hope is that I give my girls the tools to deal with all of life's challenges.

I go pick up the girls tomorrow from camp. I really have missed them, though I have had a lot of fun. I haven't gotten anything done that I was supposed to. Oops. I half expect the girls to be "cured" tomorrow and resilient, but know they won't be. I'm hoping this weekend will have done them some good. I'm guessing that they won't talk too much about it, but I'm hoping they will.

The Dash

The Dash Poem
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?


Brian spent his dash living life to the fullest. He played hard. He lived, laughed and loved. His dash was filled with times of family and friends. He gave his all in everything he did; always giving deep down to the core. He was a wonderful, loving and playful father. He loved me with all his heart and did anything to make me smile. He was my best friend. I will miss him. His dash was way too short.

Tonight I fly alone.

Brian sleeps alone tonight in the depths of the earth. I don't feel him here with me now. His ashes were on the dresser until today. He was always with me in the house. Tonight we sleep alone; not in the same room. I just had to stay after the ceremony to witness his burial. I had to see it to believe it. And all I could think about was jumping down there and bringing him back home. Would anyone really know? I thought maybe, just maybe it was like a time capsule and I could dig him up in a few years and look through all of the things the girls put in there and visit with him. I know in my heart of heart, HE is not there, but a part of him really is. I thought about putting my wedding ring in there, but knew I wanted to save it for my girls. The cement box they put him in seemed so institutionalized, so sterile. Who wants to be in that environment? I would have brought a pillow or blanket if I would have known. I know this all sounds crazy and unrealistic, but these are the things that I think of.

I went to my in-laws for breakfast and hung out for 3 hours. I was totally inappropriate at the ceremony when I invited everyone to my in-laws afterward. I made reference to drinking at 11am and something about "it's 5:00 somewhere." I say the damnedest things when I am nervous. The girls and I came home afterwards and I checked out for three hours in my room. I took a long nap. The kids and I had a talk on the way back, but no one really had much to say. My middle daughter put a piece of her blanket in the envelope to be placed in with Brian, along with a picture of her with straight hair. He always loved her hair straight. I thought the blanket was the sweetest thing ever. My oldest daughter had painted a picture and hand drawn a Father of the Year Award for him. She also included two pictures of her with him. My youngest wrote him a letter with a picture of three trees and two flowers. Daddy, Taylor and Morgan were trees and me and Madison were the flowers. Super sweet. I really wanted to keep it, but it wasn't for me.

Well, I'd better try to get some sleep. I'm heading back to my friends for a pool party tomorrow morning. The kids will play while the ladies chat. I guess the distraction will be good. I have taken two benedryl in hopes of sleeping tonight. I'm not much on heading to the bedroom alone. He's just not there...

One step forward and two steps back

That is how I feel today. Tomorrow we go to bury Brian's ashes. Before you ask me why I am putting them in a plot, I have to tell you it is for my girls. (and MIL) But mostly for my girls. They like going to cemeteries and bringing flowers. We often visit my nana at Arlington Cemetery. They love to look around and see who is new and who has had visitors. I, personally would be fine with having him stay on my dresser, but I do what I can for my girls. For my girls I will even go to my MIL's after the ceremony for lunch. I tried to get her to have lunch at a resteraunt, but she insisted on having it at thier house. What if I don't feel like it afterwards? Do I have to go? I have no idea how I will be. This is going to be what makes it final. At least I think so. I'm still waiting for the tidal wave, but it hasn't come yet. I've tried to cry in the last week and a half, but have to tears to shed. I'm all dried up. I even bought the movie "Beaches" to jumpstart it, but haven't watched it. I LOVE that movie. It reminds me of my friend Becky. I finally went to visit her last week and invited myself and the girls for a sleepover. I haven't really hung out with her in several years, but it was like we never skipped a beat. That is just who we are. We have been friends since my 8th grade year. She's the best. She is my Bette Midler.

On a one step forward note, I bit the bullet and facebooked Jay to see how he was doing. He actually responded and has made my day for the last two days. Funny how contact from someone can set the tone for your day. It's not a lot of communication, but it's something. I vow not to screw this up this time. I like what little attention I am getting. My friends say they will set me up, but I'm not ready to date. I just like attention from familiar people. I know I'm safe with him and not some wack job from the streets. Right now it's just friends and I will take anything over nothing. For now he is my distraction. Reality sucks!

So for now I will put the love of my life to rest. The girls and I each have something special to place in his urn tomorrow. My MIL called tonight. She is a mess. How come I am not? I'm guessing it is because I am the type of person who doesn't get nervous until the day of the event. We shall see how I do. I'll have Mom and Dad there for me, as well as all of his family.

I'll keep you all posted. I'm hoping for closure, but am pretty sure I won't get it just yet...

Irrational

ir⋅ra⋅tion⋅al 
–adjective 1. without the faculty of reason; deprived of reason.
2. without or deprived of normal mental clarity or sound judgment.
3. not in accordance with reason; utterly illogical: irrational arguments.

Last night I was talking to a good friend and she told me, "Toni, I'm a little worried about you. You are making a lot of irrational decisions." It gave me food for thought. She isn't one to give advice very often, so when she does I tend to take it to heart.

So I thought about it. First I became infatuated with a boy. Then I felt the need to go shopping for a new Vera, a bed for my daughter, and a new entertainment center. Finally, I am now looking to buy a new car. I realize no matter what I do, it will never bring back Brian. The car I thought I wanted has no trunk room. Since then, the car hunt isn't as fun as I thought it would be. Not much is helping.

Last night was the first night that I have dreamt of Brian since he has been gone. It was as if he had never left. We were all out in the back yard playing. It was nice. Today marks three months since he has been gone. In one week we will place Brian in his final resting place. It is all becoming so real. He is definatly not coming back.

My middle daughter is at the beach with my in-laws. I'm hoping the break from them will do me good. I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with picking up other people on this day. I'm doing well myself to keep it together. I think I'm doing ok though. I've kept pretty busy. I find that is the key.

I'm off to put my kiddos to bed and enjoy some quiet time. Until tomorrow.

Putting a Band-Aid on Love

Not long after Brian died, an old friend contacted me to let me know how sorry he was to hear about Brian's death. We began talking on Facebook late at night. I finally asked him to dinner. We went out, totally platonic and talked the entire time. I paid for dinner, because I invited him out. He mentioned a cookout at his house the next day and invited me and the girls to come. I ended up going without the girls, as they were on the way home from the beach with my Mom. I had a great time visiting with his friends and Mom and Dad. Did I mention that we went to Jr. High together and kind of dated then? His mother used to be my cheerleading coach. She is a teacher and we talked all about education. After his friends went home I went to his house to hang for a couple of hours. We talked and talked about what we have been doing since high school. I could tell he was tired, so I left. But this time when I hugged him, I kissed him. It was reciprocal. He closed the front door even. When I realized what I had done, I said thanks and left. I even texted him to see if he had any regrets. He said none.

Now somewhere between that night and the next week, he either got a lecture, a conscience or came to his senses, because he has been avoiding me ever since. He said it was a little weird for him. I get that. Then he said I was looking for something more and he isn't right now. Then how come every time we text or email at night, he is flirty. Is he being a gentleman? Or does he not want to give up his freedom? After practically stalking him for two weeks, I have come to realize that I cannot use him to distract myself from this reality of hell.

On the way home today I texted him this:
Just came from the cemetery to make Brian’s arrangements. I honestly want to thank you for making me slow down to deal with this. Sorry I called you an ass. You were just doing the right thing. Thank you Jay. You're still a good guy in my book. I’ll give you your space now. Take care.

It occurred to me that he was right in all this. IF and I mean IF he does care, then he was avoiding me to protect me. If not, then he just has no social skills. lol. Anyway, I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I just miss the physical closeness. He could fill that void. He is familiar to me, but he was right. It was too soon for him and me. Maybe there is hope down the line. He's the one I always thought got away. But then again, maybe God has his own plan. Have wonderful, fulfilling life with Brian first, and then see where life takes you. Hmmm...

Can't Breathe

I took the girls to both cemeteries. I never said a word. I just showed them the avaiabilities at each cemetery. They liked Stonewall Gardens best. I won, but why do I feel so horrible? When I told my MIL I think she was crying. I get it. I do. But it is the kids who will visit us. She took it without a fight.

So I went today to make the final arrangements for the burial. Death is expensive. Don't let anyone tell you different. Between the hospital bill, the services, and the burial, I'm out a whole lot of dough. It didn't help that I bought two plots just so no one else could be next to us. lol. But it was important enough for me. It's ok, that is what life insurance is for, but still. But I digress... Sitting there filling out the paper work was ok. I was all business. It wasn't until we started designing the memorial stone that I began to lose it. I couldn't breathe. His name was on a tombstone. Why? It certainly shouldn't be. Not to mention my name either. I put a "together forever" embleme in the center with a butterfly near my name. Under his name we wrote, "Left this wonderful world too soon." He loved that song and it was the background song to his slideshow at the services. OMG. I'm so not looking forward to this. I must sit for fear of passing out on the day of his burial. I want to be strong for my girls, but don't think I can do it. Upon seeing the memorial on the screen, all I could think of was this is how I felt the night I saw him at the hospital, dead on the ER table. I cried the whole way home today.

I'm hating my time alone, but don't want to be with people either. I just want to be busy. Remind me of this in September when I won't even have time to be on here. Between the kids, grad school and subbing, I'll be busier than a one armed paper hanger. lol. My mother's saying. Believe me I have plenty to do around here, but nothing I want to do. lol. I have an hour before Morgan comes home. Guess I could at least run the dishwasher. That's not too much effort is it?

Tough Decisions I Shouldn't Be Making

Why is it with death, we have so many decisions to make? Cremation or not, interment or scatter, donate organs or not, what type of service, what cemetery and what to say on the tombstone. I have now visted three cemeteries. The first one is very local and beautiful, but the flush markers are so close together that the kids could use them to play hopscotch. The second cemetery is pretty, has flush markers but is not as beautiful as the first. It will do though. Now the third. My MIL suggested this one because I had mentioned wanting an above ground memorial. The cemetery is owned by her church and is very old. It dates back to the 1800's. She and my FIL went to visit it a few weeks ago. I have been putting her off until today. They fell in love with it stating that it reminded her of home, aka. West Virginia. They want to buy two plots as well, if I choose to bury him there. First off, my husband NEVER wanted to be buried in West Virginia. Second, it's old and not very well kept. The only thing that had me considering it is my 7 year old daughter. She wants a tombstone like my Nana. I get it. So, I am doing the diplomatic thing and taking the girls to see both cemeteries on the way to Mom and Dad's on Sunday.

Personally, I feel like she has cornered me into this. I did tell her that it was the kids final decision. She had best not be sneaky. Do I have the right to bury him where I want? Where I feel comfortable buring him? I don't want to rock the boat, but come on lady. Next she'll tell me what to put on the memorial. NOT! I'm so sad and so angry all at the same time. My selfish little teenage self says to bury him in the 2nd cemetery. It's pretty and doable. The other part of me says, well, will it matter in 99 years? NO. I don't want her to win either. This is my life. He spent 12 years married to me and 7 more dating. He is my husband. He lived with me. He is the father of my children. I have a say. I have a say.

Thoughts for the Day

I met up with some girlfriends this morning for "boot camp." OMG, am I out of shape, though I could do much of it but the running. I have a long way to go. I'm hoping to do something every morning whether it be walking or biking. Maybe I'll actually go to bed earlier.

I head to the second cemetery today to check things out. The girls are going with a friend of mine to a movie this morning. She is so kind to me. The appraiser for the house is coming at noon. I hope she is kind to the house. I need this refinance. Then it's off to the pool with the girls.

I haven't finished my final paper yet. I called the professor last night and told him I couldn't do it and I wasn't coming to class. I kept the sitter and went to see a movie for the first time, all by myself. I had a great time. I laughed out loud. The Proposal is a romantic comedy, but hilarious. I needed a good laugh.

It's gonna be a good day! At least that is what I tell myself! Have a great weekend!

Packin it up

Ok, so I just packed all of Brian's clothes up and am donating them to AmVet. I don't know why I chose today? I just had a bug up my butt and knew the people would be coming tomorrow. The entire time I had a flutter in my chest. I did it as quickly as I could. Like taking off a band-aid quickly to avoid pain. I kept his tee shirts, sweatshirts and underwear, cuz who wants the underwear? I kept the tee shirts for the girls. Maybe I'll do something with them later.

It's only been 10 weeks but it feels like forever. I just can't see why I am not as upset as the widows on the Young Widow Bulletin Board. Is it because he traveled? I know I can do this on my own. I just can't figure out why I'm not in deep depression. I seem to be hurrying things along. Like today with the clothes and Friday with the cemetery visit. I keep thinking something is going to make it hit home, but nothing.

Monday I did cry at the chaos of the dental and health insurance. It looks like Metlife dropped us, but not really. I don't know. We don't have new cards at least. That is stuff I would have handled anyway. I just want the storm to hit and blow over. I need to move on. I am not one to be alone. I don't even like to go to the grocery store alone. lol.

So I sit and wait for THE Big Storm.

Anything but the right thing.

I have 7 science journals due tomorrow night. I believe I have over 1/2 of them due. I have sat down countless times over the last 24 hours to complete them, but can't bring myself to do so. I get distracted either by the kids or by the message boards. I even had a school mate email me one of her examples to help me get started again. I've read her pages and still nothing. This is the worst. It is my finals week and I have to get this work done. Still I sit here typing words that come so easily. When will my head be straight again? When will the forgetfullness go away? For God's sake, I forgot our wedding anniversary last Sunday.

I tell myself I have to burry him soon. I need it all to hit me, just to get it over with. I want to move on. I need to move on. So I think. All my life I have lived in my little bubble where everything is peaches and cream. I like my bubble. In my bubble, Brian is away on a business trip and I'm only alone for a little while. My bubble burst 10 weeks ago. I want my bubble back.

The Ocean

Someone on an online bulletin board wrote: "I guess the best way to describe this grief journey is to compare it to the ocean. Some days are calm and you find inner peace while others days are like a tidal wave and the grief just crashes down all around you."

How true. Sometimes I feel at peace and then there are days like today that I feel like I'm drowning. It seems as though I am treading water on the days in between.

The Butterfly

The butterfly is a symbol of hope, the symbol of new life and the symbol of those who are bereaved. Before it becomes a butterfly, though, it must spend time in a cocoon.

We might be tempted to help release the butterfly from her cocoon. It is human nature to want to assist, but if we do, she will fall to the ground and die. By her struggle to free herself, she strengthens her wings enought to survive and fly.

Grief is certainly like this process. We feel ugly, we change, we hide, we sometimes spin a cocoon around ourselves. It takes a long time. There is a difference, however; others may help us as we struggle. We need not do it all alone as the butterfly does; but the ultimate responsibility is ours. We have to grieve, hurt, cry, be angry and struggle to free ourselves from the cocoon of grief. And one day we do emerge - a beautiful butterfly - a stronger person, a more compassionate person, a more understanding person.

Author Unknown