I have read several books on grieving: ones for children and for widows. Not one mentioned that month 6/7 would be the worst yet. I've totally lost it. I spent the entire time at the grief counselors crying. Then I came home to cry for another hour. I skipped class that night. I just couldn't be with people. I kept the babysitter and went to see the The Blind Side instead. Good movie. Robin, my counselor, suggested a few things to help me out in life.
1. Go to Mom's for Christmas so I don't have to be here.
2. Tell professors I need to slow down.
My kids nixed the Christmas at Mom's. They want it here. I can't blame them a bit, but it would make my life easier. For once, it's not all about me. So Christmas will be here in their home. I was able to get a majority of the kids Christmas presents on Black Friday. I just need to pick up little things here and there. It's my parents and others I need to get. Not sure what to do for all of them.
As for school, I spoke with my social studies professor last night and I think I'm going to drop her class. I'll finish up the math class, but I'm so far behind in SS that there is no way I will catch up. I go to talk to the director tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it all. I just have to go slower. One class at a time. I have a plan. Let's just hope the director agrees. It may be Spring of 2011 before I graduate, but I'll get there.
I think we should all write our own books. I know everyone's jouney is different, but we learn so much along the way. I'd give anything to wake up next to Brian again. I often wonder if I will ever get there again. Remember Pat, the guy I said I wasn't interested in? Well, I honestly don't think I am. But I must like the idea of his individual attention. He had told me before the engagement party not to let him know if I did hook up with anyone. I explained that wasn't fair and he responded with, I want my cake and eat it too. So, I guess that is my issue too. I got all hyped up when he called on Black Friday, even though he knew I was shopping with my aunts and cousins. He said he was checking up on me. Well that same night he texts me and answers that he is watching tv. I asked with who and he responded with a friend from work. I then told him he shouldn't be texting me then. The next night I made the mistake of asking him if this person was a boy or girl. It was a girl. I figured. He asked if I was mad. I said no, but asked how he'd feel if the tables were turned. He said he'd be jealous but happy for me. I told him I was, but in reality I wasn't. Then it dawned on me why I was so angry, he will hang out with her and won't even hang out with me as a friend. I let him know. All he could say is sorry. So now, I've let him text me first. He has been every night. I refuse to ask about the girl. He wouldn't kiss and tell anyway. Not sure what is going on here. Guess I thought he'd be the one who's chest I could lay on and have it mean nothing. So much for that. I know it's a lot to ask of a guy. Not to mention the train of baggage I bring along.
Thanksgiving went well. Judy and Joe weren't themselves, but it was nice. Mom and Dad came to support me. All of his family was there. The kids had great time playing. We get to do it all again on the 12th for the annual Christmas party. I'm not sure how they are still putting it on. It's not like Brian was the star of the party, but things just aren't the same there. The kids and Judy are going to decorate a small tree to put up for Brian at the cemetery. I can't even stand the sound of Christmas music. I am so anti-Christmas that it's not funny. I'm trying to keep it to myself for the kids, but not sure if I can make it the 24 days without losing it.
I'm not subbing anymore until after break. I need to get this house in order. It's a disaster. And even if I'm not subbing, my days seem to fill up so fast. I have two assignments left in Math and I'll be done. I'll be so glad come Dec. 17th.
I've either been up really late or sleeping all day. I can't get regulated. I was up till 4:30am on Sunday night, but then came home to take a 3 hour nap. There is no time for naps between now and Sunday. I look forward to them too. It's the only place I can go and forget the rest of this life. Guess I should head there now. A day of leisure is now full of three different meetings and basketball practice. Good nite all.
No comments:
Post a Comment