Putting a Band-Aid on Love

Not long after Brian died, an old friend contacted me to let me know how sorry he was to hear about Brian's death. We began talking on Facebook late at night. I finally asked him to dinner. We went out, totally platonic and talked the entire time. I paid for dinner, because I invited him out. He mentioned a cookout at his house the next day and invited me and the girls to come. I ended up going without the girls, as they were on the way home from the beach with my Mom. I had a great time visiting with his friends and Mom and Dad. Did I mention that we went to Jr. High together and kind of dated then? His mother used to be my cheerleading coach. She is a teacher and we talked all about education. After his friends went home I went to his house to hang for a couple of hours. We talked and talked about what we have been doing since high school. I could tell he was tired, so I left. But this time when I hugged him, I kissed him. It was reciprocal. He closed the front door even. When I realized what I had done, I said thanks and left. I even texted him to see if he had any regrets. He said none.

Now somewhere between that night and the next week, he either got a lecture, a conscience or came to his senses, because he has been avoiding me ever since. He said it was a little weird for him. I get that. Then he said I was looking for something more and he isn't right now. Then how come every time we text or email at night, he is flirty. Is he being a gentleman? Or does he not want to give up his freedom? After practically stalking him for two weeks, I have come to realize that I cannot use him to distract myself from this reality of hell.

On the way home today I texted him this:
Just came from the cemetery to make Brian’s arrangements. I honestly want to thank you for making me slow down to deal with this. Sorry I called you an ass. You were just doing the right thing. Thank you Jay. You're still a good guy in my book. I’ll give you your space now. Take care.

It occurred to me that he was right in all this. IF and I mean IF he does care, then he was avoiding me to protect me. If not, then he just has no social skills. lol. Anyway, I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I just miss the physical closeness. He could fill that void. He is familiar to me, but he was right. It was too soon for him and me. Maybe there is hope down the line. He's the one I always thought got away. But then again, maybe God has his own plan. Have wonderful, fulfilling life with Brian first, and then see where life takes you. Hmmm...