Tonight I fly alone.

Brian sleeps alone tonight in the depths of the earth. I don't feel him here with me now. His ashes were on the dresser until today. He was always with me in the house. Tonight we sleep alone; not in the same room. I just had to stay after the ceremony to witness his burial. I had to see it to believe it. And all I could think about was jumping down there and bringing him back home. Would anyone really know? I thought maybe, just maybe it was like a time capsule and I could dig him up in a few years and look through all of the things the girls put in there and visit with him. I know in my heart of heart, HE is not there, but a part of him really is. I thought about putting my wedding ring in there, but knew I wanted to save it for my girls. The cement box they put him in seemed so institutionalized, so sterile. Who wants to be in that environment? I would have brought a pillow or blanket if I would have known. I know this all sounds crazy and unrealistic, but these are the things that I think of.

I went to my in-laws for breakfast and hung out for 3 hours. I was totally inappropriate at the ceremony when I invited everyone to my in-laws afterward. I made reference to drinking at 11am and something about "it's 5:00 somewhere." I say the damnedest things when I am nervous. The girls and I came home afterwards and I checked out for three hours in my room. I took a long nap. The kids and I had a talk on the way back, but no one really had much to say. My middle daughter put a piece of her blanket in the envelope to be placed in with Brian, along with a picture of her with straight hair. He always loved her hair straight. I thought the blanket was the sweetest thing ever. My oldest daughter had painted a picture and hand drawn a Father of the Year Award for him. She also included two pictures of her with him. My youngest wrote him a letter with a picture of three trees and two flowers. Daddy, Taylor and Morgan were trees and me and Madison were the flowers. Super sweet. I really wanted to keep it, but it wasn't for me.

Well, I'd better try to get some sleep. I'm heading back to my friends for a pool party tomorrow morning. The kids will play while the ladies chat. I guess the distraction will be good. I have taken two benedryl in hopes of sleeping tonight. I'm not much on heading to the bedroom alone. He's just not there...