Can't Breathe

I took the girls to both cemeteries. I never said a word. I just showed them the avaiabilities at each cemetery. They liked Stonewall Gardens best. I won, but why do I feel so horrible? When I told my MIL I think she was crying. I get it. I do. But it is the kids who will visit us. She took it without a fight.

So I went today to make the final arrangements for the burial. Death is expensive. Don't let anyone tell you different. Between the hospital bill, the services, and the burial, I'm out a whole lot of dough. It didn't help that I bought two plots just so no one else could be next to us. lol. But it was important enough for me. It's ok, that is what life insurance is for, but still. But I digress... Sitting there filling out the paper work was ok. I was all business. It wasn't until we started designing the memorial stone that I began to lose it. I couldn't breathe. His name was on a tombstone. Why? It certainly shouldn't be. Not to mention my name either. I put a "together forever" embleme in the center with a butterfly near my name. Under his name we wrote, "Left this wonderful world too soon." He loved that song and it was the background song to his slideshow at the services. OMG. I'm so not looking forward to this. I must sit for fear of passing out on the day of his burial. I want to be strong for my girls, but don't think I can do it. Upon seeing the memorial on the screen, all I could think of was this is how I felt the night I saw him at the hospital, dead on the ER table. I cried the whole way home today.

I'm hating my time alone, but don't want to be with people either. I just want to be busy. Remind me of this in September when I won't even have time to be on here. Between the kids, grad school and subbing, I'll be busier than a one armed paper hanger. lol. My mother's saying. Believe me I have plenty to do around here, but nothing I want to do. lol. I have an hour before Morgan comes home. Guess I could at least run the dishwasher. That's not too much effort is it?