That is how I feel today. Tomorrow we go to bury Brian's ashes. Before you ask me why I am putting them in a plot, I have to tell you it is for my girls. (and MIL) But mostly for my girls. They like going to cemeteries and bringing flowers. We often visit my nana at Arlington Cemetery. They love to look around and see who is new and who has had visitors. I, personally would be fine with having him stay on my dresser, but I do what I can for my girls. For my girls I will even go to my MIL's after the ceremony for lunch. I tried to get her to have lunch at a resteraunt, but she insisted on having it at thier house. What if I don't feel like it afterwards? Do I have to go? I have no idea how I will be. This is going to be what makes it final. At least I think so. I'm still waiting for the tidal wave, but it hasn't come yet. I've tried to cry in the last week and a half, but have to tears to shed. I'm all dried up. I even bought the movie "Beaches" to jumpstart it, but haven't watched it. I LOVE that movie. It reminds me of my friend Becky. I finally went to visit her last week and invited myself and the girls for a sleepover. I haven't really hung out with her in several years, but it was like we never skipped a beat. That is just who we are. We have been friends since my 8th grade year. She's the best. She is my Bette Midler.
On a one step forward note, I bit the bullet and facebooked Jay to see how he was doing. He actually responded and has made my day for the last two days. Funny how contact from someone can set the tone for your day. It's not a lot of communication, but it's something. I vow not to screw this up this time. I like what little attention I am getting. My friends say they will set me up, but I'm not ready to date. I just like attention from familiar people. I know I'm safe with him and not some wack job from the streets. Right now it's just friends and I will take anything over nothing. For now he is my distraction. Reality sucks!
So for now I will put the love of my life to rest. The girls and I each have something special to place in his urn tomorrow. My MIL called tonight. She is a mess. How come I am not? I'm guessing it is because I am the type of person who doesn't get nervous until the day of the event. We shall see how I do. I'll have Mom and Dad there for me, as well as all of his family.
I'll keep you all posted. I'm hoping for closure, but am pretty sure I won't get it just yet...
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