Ok, so I just packed all of Brian's clothes up and am donating them to AmVet. I don't know why I chose today? I just had a bug up my butt and knew the people would be coming tomorrow. The entire time I had a flutter in my chest. I did it as quickly as I could. Like taking off a band-aid quickly to avoid pain. I kept his tee shirts, sweatshirts and underwear, cuz who wants the underwear? I kept the tee shirts for the girls. Maybe I'll do something with them later.
It's only been 10 weeks but it feels like forever. I just can't see why I am not as upset as the widows on the Young Widow Bulletin Board. Is it because he traveled? I know I can do this on my own. I just can't figure out why I'm not in deep depression. I seem to be hurrying things along. Like today with the clothes and Friday with the cemetery visit. I keep thinking something is going to make it hit home, but nothing.
Monday I did cry at the chaos of the dental and health insurance. It looks like Metlife dropped us, but not really. I don't know. We don't have new cards at least. That is stuff I would have handled anyway. I just want the storm to hit and blow over. I need to move on. I am not one to be alone. I don't even like to go to the grocery store alone. lol.
So I sit and wait for THE Big Storm.
I could have posted this EXACT thing. I am almost 4 weeks out and keep waiting for it to hit me harder. I cry now and then, but I am so busy with our son that he is keeping me upbeat and content. I fear being alone too, so I just want to move on. I literally feel IDENTICAL to you. I go on the same board and think that I am not feeling things deep enough because I am not nearly as devastated. I have my moments, but I also have to live for my little one.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this and being honest. I appreciate it!!
I felt like that too in the beginning. I was doing pretty good, upbeat, and got lots of things done. But the second year it hit me hard, and I got into a depression.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm not saying that will happen to you, I hope not, it's just that we never know when it will hit us.
Just keep doing what you are doing, and do not read or compare with other widows. Don't let others get you down or dictate you how you should grief!
Tanja