Irrational

ir⋅ra⋅tion⋅al 
–adjective 1. without the faculty of reason; deprived of reason.
2. without or deprived of normal mental clarity or sound judgment.
3. not in accordance with reason; utterly illogical: irrational arguments.

Last night I was talking to a good friend and she told me, "Toni, I'm a little worried about you. You are making a lot of irrational decisions." It gave me food for thought. She isn't one to give advice very often, so when she does I tend to take it to heart.

So I thought about it. First I became infatuated with a boy. Then I felt the need to go shopping for a new Vera, a bed for my daughter, and a new entertainment center. Finally, I am now looking to buy a new car. I realize no matter what I do, it will never bring back Brian. The car I thought I wanted has no trunk room. Since then, the car hunt isn't as fun as I thought it would be. Not much is helping.

Last night was the first night that I have dreamt of Brian since he has been gone. It was as if he had never left. We were all out in the back yard playing. It was nice. Today marks three months since he has been gone. In one week we will place Brian in his final resting place. It is all becoming so real. He is definatly not coming back.

My middle daughter is at the beach with my in-laws. I'm hoping the break from them will do me good. I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with picking up other people on this day. I'm doing well myself to keep it together. I think I'm doing ok though. I've kept pretty busy. I find that is the key.

I'm off to put my kiddos to bed and enjoy some quiet time. Until tomorrow.