Irrational

ir⋅ra⋅tion⋅al 
–adjective 1. without the faculty of reason; deprived of reason.
2. without or deprived of normal mental clarity or sound judgment.
3. not in accordance with reason; utterly illogical: irrational arguments.

Last night I was talking to a good friend and she told me, "Toni, I'm a little worried about you. You are making a lot of irrational decisions." It gave me food for thought. She isn't one to give advice very often, so when she does I tend to take it to heart.

So I thought about it. First I became infatuated with a boy. Then I felt the need to go shopping for a new Vera, a bed for my daughter, and a new entertainment center. Finally, I am now looking to buy a new car. I realize no matter what I do, it will never bring back Brian. The car I thought I wanted has no trunk room. Since then, the car hunt isn't as fun as I thought it would be. Not much is helping.

Last night was the first night that I have dreamt of Brian since he has been gone. It was as if he had never left. We were all out in the back yard playing. It was nice. Today marks three months since he has been gone. In one week we will place Brian in his final resting place. It is all becoming so real. He is definatly not coming back.

My middle daughter is at the beach with my in-laws. I'm hoping the break from them will do me good. I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with picking up other people on this day. I'm doing well myself to keep it together. I think I'm doing ok though. I've kept pretty busy. I find that is the key.

I'm off to put my kiddos to bed and enjoy some quiet time. Until tomorrow.

Putting a Band-Aid on Love

Not long after Brian died, an old friend contacted me to let me know how sorry he was to hear about Brian's death. We began talking on Facebook late at night. I finally asked him to dinner. We went out, totally platonic and talked the entire time. I paid for dinner, because I invited him out. He mentioned a cookout at his house the next day and invited me and the girls to come. I ended up going without the girls, as they were on the way home from the beach with my Mom. I had a great time visiting with his friends and Mom and Dad. Did I mention that we went to Jr. High together and kind of dated then? His mother used to be my cheerleading coach. She is a teacher and we talked all about education. After his friends went home I went to his house to hang for a couple of hours. We talked and talked about what we have been doing since high school. I could tell he was tired, so I left. But this time when I hugged him, I kissed him. It was reciprocal. He closed the front door even. When I realized what I had done, I said thanks and left. I even texted him to see if he had any regrets. He said none.

Now somewhere between that night and the next week, he either got a lecture, a conscience or came to his senses, because he has been avoiding me ever since. He said it was a little weird for him. I get that. Then he said I was looking for something more and he isn't right now. Then how come every time we text or email at night, he is flirty. Is he being a gentleman? Or does he not want to give up his freedom? After practically stalking him for two weeks, I have come to realize that I cannot use him to distract myself from this reality of hell.

On the way home today I texted him this:
Just came from the cemetery to make Brian’s arrangements. I honestly want to thank you for making me slow down to deal with this. Sorry I called you an ass. You were just doing the right thing. Thank you Jay. You're still a good guy in my book. I’ll give you your space now. Take care.

It occurred to me that he was right in all this. IF and I mean IF he does care, then he was avoiding me to protect me. If not, then he just has no social skills. lol. Anyway, I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I just miss the physical closeness. He could fill that void. He is familiar to me, but he was right. It was too soon for him and me. Maybe there is hope down the line. He's the one I always thought got away. But then again, maybe God has his own plan. Have wonderful, fulfilling life with Brian first, and then see where life takes you. Hmmm...

Can't Breathe

I took the girls to both cemeteries. I never said a word. I just showed them the avaiabilities at each cemetery. They liked Stonewall Gardens best. I won, but why do I feel so horrible? When I told my MIL I think she was crying. I get it. I do. But it is the kids who will visit us. She took it without a fight.

So I went today to make the final arrangements for the burial. Death is expensive. Don't let anyone tell you different. Between the hospital bill, the services, and the burial, I'm out a whole lot of dough. It didn't help that I bought two plots just so no one else could be next to us. lol. But it was important enough for me. It's ok, that is what life insurance is for, but still. But I digress... Sitting there filling out the paper work was ok. I was all business. It wasn't until we started designing the memorial stone that I began to lose it. I couldn't breathe. His name was on a tombstone. Why? It certainly shouldn't be. Not to mention my name either. I put a "together forever" embleme in the center with a butterfly near my name. Under his name we wrote, "Left this wonderful world too soon." He loved that song and it was the background song to his slideshow at the services. OMG. I'm so not looking forward to this. I must sit for fear of passing out on the day of his burial. I want to be strong for my girls, but don't think I can do it. Upon seeing the memorial on the screen, all I could think of was this is how I felt the night I saw him at the hospital, dead on the ER table. I cried the whole way home today.

I'm hating my time alone, but don't want to be with people either. I just want to be busy. Remind me of this in September when I won't even have time to be on here. Between the kids, grad school and subbing, I'll be busier than a one armed paper hanger. lol. My mother's saying. Believe me I have plenty to do around here, but nothing I want to do. lol. I have an hour before Morgan comes home. Guess I could at least run the dishwasher. That's not too much effort is it?

Tough Decisions I Shouldn't Be Making

Why is it with death, we have so many decisions to make? Cremation or not, interment or scatter, donate organs or not, what type of service, what cemetery and what to say on the tombstone. I have now visted three cemeteries. The first one is very local and beautiful, but the flush markers are so close together that the kids could use them to play hopscotch. The second cemetery is pretty, has flush markers but is not as beautiful as the first. It will do though. Now the third. My MIL suggested this one because I had mentioned wanting an above ground memorial. The cemetery is owned by her church and is very old. It dates back to the 1800's. She and my FIL went to visit it a few weeks ago. I have been putting her off until today. They fell in love with it stating that it reminded her of home, aka. West Virginia. They want to buy two plots as well, if I choose to bury him there. First off, my husband NEVER wanted to be buried in West Virginia. Second, it's old and not very well kept. The only thing that had me considering it is my 7 year old daughter. She wants a tombstone like my Nana. I get it. So, I am doing the diplomatic thing and taking the girls to see both cemeteries on the way to Mom and Dad's on Sunday.

Personally, I feel like she has cornered me into this. I did tell her that it was the kids final decision. She had best not be sneaky. Do I have the right to bury him where I want? Where I feel comfortable buring him? I don't want to rock the boat, but come on lady. Next she'll tell me what to put on the memorial. NOT! I'm so sad and so angry all at the same time. My selfish little teenage self says to bury him in the 2nd cemetery. It's pretty and doable. The other part of me says, well, will it matter in 99 years? NO. I don't want her to win either. This is my life. He spent 12 years married to me and 7 more dating. He is my husband. He lived with me. He is the father of my children. I have a say. I have a say.

Thoughts for the Day

I met up with some girlfriends this morning for "boot camp." OMG, am I out of shape, though I could do much of it but the running. I have a long way to go. I'm hoping to do something every morning whether it be walking or biking. Maybe I'll actually go to bed earlier.

I head to the second cemetery today to check things out. The girls are going with a friend of mine to a movie this morning. She is so kind to me. The appraiser for the house is coming at noon. I hope she is kind to the house. I need this refinance. Then it's off to the pool with the girls.

I haven't finished my final paper yet. I called the professor last night and told him I couldn't do it and I wasn't coming to class. I kept the sitter and went to see a movie for the first time, all by myself. I had a great time. I laughed out loud. The Proposal is a romantic comedy, but hilarious. I needed a good laugh.

It's gonna be a good day! At least that is what I tell myself! Have a great weekend!

Packin it up

Ok, so I just packed all of Brian's clothes up and am donating them to AmVet. I don't know why I chose today? I just had a bug up my butt and knew the people would be coming tomorrow. The entire time I had a flutter in my chest. I did it as quickly as I could. Like taking off a band-aid quickly to avoid pain. I kept his tee shirts, sweatshirts and underwear, cuz who wants the underwear? I kept the tee shirts for the girls. Maybe I'll do something with them later.

It's only been 10 weeks but it feels like forever. I just can't see why I am not as upset as the widows on the Young Widow Bulletin Board. Is it because he traveled? I know I can do this on my own. I just can't figure out why I'm not in deep depression. I seem to be hurrying things along. Like today with the clothes and Friday with the cemetery visit. I keep thinking something is going to make it hit home, but nothing.

Monday I did cry at the chaos of the dental and health insurance. It looks like Metlife dropped us, but not really. I don't know. We don't have new cards at least. That is stuff I would have handled anyway. I just want the storm to hit and blow over. I need to move on. I am not one to be alone. I don't even like to go to the grocery store alone. lol.

So I sit and wait for THE Big Storm.

Anything but the right thing.

I have 7 science journals due tomorrow night. I believe I have over 1/2 of them due. I have sat down countless times over the last 24 hours to complete them, but can't bring myself to do so. I get distracted either by the kids or by the message boards. I even had a school mate email me one of her examples to help me get started again. I've read her pages and still nothing. This is the worst. It is my finals week and I have to get this work done. Still I sit here typing words that come so easily. When will my head be straight again? When will the forgetfullness go away? For God's sake, I forgot our wedding anniversary last Sunday.

I tell myself I have to burry him soon. I need it all to hit me, just to get it over with. I want to move on. I need to move on. So I think. All my life I have lived in my little bubble where everything is peaches and cream. I like my bubble. In my bubble, Brian is away on a business trip and I'm only alone for a little while. My bubble burst 10 weeks ago. I want my bubble back.

The Ocean

Someone on an online bulletin board wrote: "I guess the best way to describe this grief journey is to compare it to the ocean. Some days are calm and you find inner peace while others days are like a tidal wave and the grief just crashes down all around you."

How true. Sometimes I feel at peace and then there are days like today that I feel like I'm drowning. It seems as though I am treading water on the days in between.

The Butterfly

The butterfly is a symbol of hope, the symbol of new life and the symbol of those who are bereaved. Before it becomes a butterfly, though, it must spend time in a cocoon.

We might be tempted to help release the butterfly from her cocoon. It is human nature to want to assist, but if we do, she will fall to the ground and die. By her struggle to free herself, she strengthens her wings enought to survive and fly.

Grief is certainly like this process. We feel ugly, we change, we hide, we sometimes spin a cocoon around ourselves. It takes a long time. There is a difference, however; others may help us as we struggle. We need not do it all alone as the butterfly does; but the ultimate responsibility is ours. We have to grieve, hurt, cry, be angry and struggle to free ourselves from the cocoon of grief. And one day we do emerge - a beautiful butterfly - a stronger person, a more compassionate person, a more understanding person.

Author Unknown