I believe in signs

Saturday morning I grabbed my Coke Zero, a granola bar and my purse and headed out the door. As I got to the door of my car, a small butterfly landed on my granola bar wrapper. Without thinking a second, I said "Good morning Brian." The butterfly then flew away. I shouted out, "Have a good day."

I take this as my sign that Brian was saying hello and checking in on me.

To back up a bit I have been hanging out with a guy that I met through a friend. We have a great time hanging out together. We moved a little fast at first, but Friday night we had an actual date. Dinner, a movie and no sleepover. And we still had a fabulous time. Maybe Brian was giving me a sign that I'm doing ok. Or maybe he just wanted to see me smile. Either way, I liked it.

Soulmates, movies, and checking out!

I sit here watching the movie Sweet Home Alabama. I don't know what it is about this movie that allows me to watch it over and over again. The only thing I can come up with is that Melanie and Jake found their soulmate at the age of 10. I think that Brian and I became soulmates at 16. I think it's the same reason I could watch Twilight over and over. Bella and Edward have the connection I feel Brian and I did. I'm pretty sure I'll never find another love like that again. Oh, I believe I'll find love, but nothing like what Brian and I had though. I want to be loved. I want to look into the eyes of another every morning and know that I am the first and last thing he thinks about each day.

Funny how there are certain movies we can watch over and over. Some have meaning, some don't. Let's see what are some others? Top Gun, Good Will Hunting, The Bourne Trilogy, Overboard, I am Sam, The Breakfast Club, Monsters, Inc., P.S. I Love You, When Harry Met Sally. Just to name a few. Some for love, some for the look of the men, and some just because.

I like to tune out at night. An escape from the real world. It's like watching soaps. You just check out and wrap yourself up in that world. I tend to check out a lot. More than what is healthy. I personally think it's healthy in my head. lol. These late nights are getting to me though. Still sleeping on my side of the bed. Sometimes I put my arm on his side just to pretend it's on his chest.

Death sucks. Doesn't matter how, when or why. It sucks at any age, young or old. The grief it leaves behind is more than most of us can bare, but we keep marching on. One day at a time...

One foot in front of the other

Today was a great day! The girls and I went to visit Brian's grandma. She broke both of her shoulders in a fall a few weeks ago. She looks awesome and is doing well. We then went to IKEA to get some ideas for the girls room rennovations. And I have to say the best thing I bought there was a frame for a butterfly card I had bought. It's perfect! Everything about it. The frame, the picture and the verse. It says:

A Butterfly

lights beside us like a sunbeam
and for a brief moment its glory and beauty
belong to the world but then it flies again
and though we wish it could have stayed...
we feel lucky to have seen it

-Unknown

I love it. I can't figure out where to put it though. I want to see it everyday.
Well, after IKEA we ran to Michael's to get some scrapbooking stuff for the girls. I want to make each of them a scrap book with thier daddy's favorite things. Pepsi, salt and vinegar chips, favorite colors: white and black (they matched everything), Skor candy bars, boston baked beans, golf, soccer, etc. I want them to remember. I think that Taylor was just 6 when Brian died. She will only remember what we tell her. I need her to remember. I need to remember. I feel like he's just slipping away. Life is going on, but I know he's here. The girls want to redo their rooms. This includes painting. Brian painted a special wall in both Madison and Taylor's rooms. I think it is so sweet that they want to keep the one wall just they way their daddy did it. I hate the thought of moving out of this house. I'm not, don't worry. At least not anytime soon. Any house after this won't include Brian. Some of this house is without him already with our rennovations, but I know he is still here. His blood, sweat and tears are here. His spirit is here. I know I go on and on here about him, but this is the one place I feel I can. In my daily life I get the looks or fear people will tire of hearing about him.

Back to my great day! The girls and I then grabbed dinner at my favorite: Chick-fil-a. It was fabulous. No one had any major meltdowns. We all got along. We sang in the car together and Taylor beat us at Beetlejuice. Instead of saying punch buggie and slugging your sister, we say Beetlejuice and rack up the points. That was my solution to the punching, not to mention Brian liked the movie. :) So today was a good day. Lots of daddy things and all on a good note. Tomorrow is another day. What will it bring?

Journey for a purpose

So it's about time I come out of hibernation. In the last five months I have:
survived the renovation of my kitchen, met a guy that I enjoy spending time with (more on this later-though don't get too excited), enjoyed many breakfasts and lunches with friends, celebrated my first birthday without Brian, taken a vacation to Hershey Park with the kids and my mother, began a series of panic attacks, attended a memorial dinner in honor of Brian with zillions of family and friends, had a break down with my history professor (to receive a pity grade of a B), substituted several days at the two elementery schools, attended my first wedding without Brian, attended two outdoor concerts, hosted a birthday party for my youngest without any help from friends and family, watched my eldest daughter graduate from 6th grade, lost another wonderful man in my life: my grandfather, attended another wedding where my children were a part of the wedding party (Brian would have been too), failed a NOVA class, went on a family vacation cross country with my parents and children and visited old friends in Seattle with the girls.

Whew! Guess I've been busy when you put it that way. And to think I didn't think I had been doing a thing. It's officially summer now. School is out and we are home for the remainder of the days. No classes until August 30th either. :)

I've had my highs and lows. Luke and Luke finished the two bathrooms. We still keep in touch some and have seen each other a few times since. I met a guy named David that had me high for a while. I enjoy his company, but there is something about him that I can't put my finger on. He's very closed mouth. Not sure on this. Anyway, we've been talking off and on since just before my birthday. He got me through my first wedding since Brian. It was nice not to be alone. I made it through the anniversary of Brian's death. The memorial dinner was great. We had about 50+ people come out to the Crab House. It made the day a little more barable. I hit a rough patch a few weeks ago. Feeling as if I shouldn't be here on Earth. A little scary for me, but I'm coming around. I still think it should have been me that was taken from the girls. Brian would have had more patience with the girls. He would have gotten the work all done. He was a hands on guy. All I do is bury my head in the sand. That's what happened with my NOVA class. I was doing so well until Pop died. I sunk back into my bed and ignored the school work. I'll now be taking 6 hours in the fall. Ugh. At one point, I just wanted to quit school. Why bother taking classes if I can't mentally handle it? I've screwed up the last three sememsters. But reality says I have to finish. For me and for the girls. I need order in my life. I need purpose. I'm on a journey to find it in the next 7 weeks. lol.

Today was a good day. Yesterday was Madison's 10th birthday. To celebrate we went to a DC United game with friends. Even the heat couldn't damper the day.

I have so much more to say but it's late and I should gather my thoughts first. I feel like my brain is ADD and I can't focus.

Hibernation!

Snowed in with no place else to go, but crazy. I've been in such a funk since last night. I miss him so much.

I sat in the shower this morning remembering his face, hair, eyes, chest, hands, and
making love. I laughed as I accidentally got water into my eyes. Brian would have gone crazy. He always had the towel hanging over the edge of the shower, just in case. He must have been scarred for life as a child. He didn't even like the spray from the shower in his eyes.

I tried to explain how I'm feeling to my bestest friend, but I know she doesn't get it. I am so jealous of her marriage and their relationship that I can't see straight, yet I want to be around them. I see so much of Brian and I in them. I see how much he loves her. She wonders how he could love her for who she is. They are best friends. They share everything! Yes, even the secrets I tell her. lol. That's how Brian and I were: best friends, husband and wife, and lovers.

She tells me to keep it together for the kids, but I just can't. I love them with every fiber of my being, I do. But to be honest, I don't want them around. Not that I don't love them or like being with them. I just want to lie in my bed, watch movies and zone out. I don't have the energy to be a mom. I don't want to play the Wii, play in the snow, play board games or even snuggle. I've been sitting on my couch all day in the fetal position watching movies all day. I haven't lifted a finger to feed them. They have fended for themselves. Taylor and I did go out and shovel a bit, but I just got exhausted and angry that I was even doing it at all. As I sit here I hear Morgan telling Taylor to be quiet because Mommy is in a bad mood. It makes me cry. I can physically step outside of myself, see what I'm doing wrong, but can't make my body do the right thing. I just want to grieve. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to punch the shit out of something. I'm so angry.

I thought I was over my hump from months 6-7. Sadly, I am in another low at month 9.5. My BFF says it comes and goes. Her mom lost her husband a few years back, so I know she has seen it first hand with her mother. I guess in my head I kept thinking that the one year mark would hit and all the sadness would be gone. I'm told it's a process. I'm more of a one time thing person. Hurry up, do it and get it over with. Grief doesn't work this way. The worst thing is, the kids don't get that. They just see me during my manic highs and lows. I lost it this afternoon. I threw a cup across the room, because Taylor refused to wait for me to do something for her. Horrible. I'm a horrible mother. All I can think of is Mommy Dearest. I don't want my girls to remember me like that, but how can I make things different when I feel so alone in this. I know I have a zillion friends, but not one of them gets this. Not one of them is alone. I'd love to be able to have an ex-husband to send the children to. Hell, I can't even send them to my mothers at this point. (Medical issues) Friends offer to help, but the children don't want to go anywhere but be with me. Lord only knows why. I'm such a joy to be around. No need to call CPS. I'm not beating them, they eat 3 meals a day (or more), they get to bed at a reasonable hour and they are doing fine in school.

I have to get my shit together. I don't want to clean up the rooms that need organizing, nor do I want to do my school work. To be honest, I just want to live in my fantasy world where things are peachy. And if I can't be there then I'd rather be in my bed watching movies or napping. Is it bedtime yet for the kids? They aren't bothering me at all, but if they are in bed, then I know they can't ask anything of me. Not sure on the whole God thing right now, but say a prayer that my children turn out ok and that I don't scar them for life.

Rose, I will call you! I'm just trying to find the right time.

Snow: the root of all sadness!

Snow, snow and more snow. The snow is beautiful, but there is a lot of it. I just shoveled the entire driveway, ALONE. In the beginning I felt good that I was able to do this alone, with no help. Somewhere in the middle I began to cuss Brian for not being here to do this instead of me. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this storm and the last could have been the very thing that took Brian from me. It is said that many men suffer from heart attacks after shoveling snow. What if Brian hadn't died on the soccer field? What if he had his heart attack while shoveling the snow in the driveway? I usually didn't help him. How long would he have been out there? What would I have done? The kids would have experienced the death of their father. I guess, it's safe to say that things happen for a reason. At least at the sportsplex, the girls and I didn't have to see him suffer. But maybe if we were there or if he was here, we could have said goodbye. Maybe he had some words for us to hear. I dunno. I'll never know.

How can my day go so well and end up so badly? It's the little things I miss. I forget that trash day is Tuesday and Friday. I missed it today. That was his job. Shoveling was his job. I remember and miss so many things that set me off and put me in a funk. I'm tired of doing this. I know this is part of the grieving process, but I want it to be over. I'm done. I don't want my life to go on without him, but I don't want to keep going on this way either. Is there some happy medium???

Hoping tomorrow is a better day!

I'm having a day. Not a bad day, but not a good day. I woke up a little grumpy, though there was no school today. I got to sleep in. I should be happy. Just about lunch time I gathered up the girls to head to Sears to pick out appliances for the new kitchen. Taylor then informed me she did not want to join us, so she made other plans. Great choice. I dispise shopping with her. It's all about what she can get out of the trip. So, Morgan, Madison and I headed to the mall. We grabbed some lunch first and then browsed around Sears. I spent $3300 in a matter of 45 minutes. Damn. The fridge, stove/oven, and microwave will be delivered next Wednesday. Beautiful.

I made one more stop to a clothing store to purchase some new bras and panties. Who doesn't like to look pretty? The girls helped me pick out some new items and were actually very good. Great start to the day, right?

Well, sometime between then and 4:00pm I got into a funk. It hit me. I'm alone. Yes, I know I have three beautiful little girls. And yes, I love them with all my heart and soul, but they can't fulfill my needs right now. I want an adult to talk to, to cuddle with and to hug and cry on. I feel like a loser of a mother. I basically let them run all over me. They treat the pantry like it's a 24 hour snack shack. They go to the basement to eat and promise to pick up thier trash. Do they? No! I find it all chewed up from the dog, scattered all over the floor. Do they not hear me? I know it's my fault because I don't follow through. I honestly don't have the energy to be consistant. I may be on it one day, but so tired the next. As for their bedrooms, omg. I've given up on Madison's room. I can't even walk in there anymore. I just shut the door and tell her I'm not doing the laundry until it's out in the hall. Same for Morgan. Her room is a bit cleaner, but still has baskets of clean clothes in it that she refuses to put away. Taylor, believe it or not, has the neatest room. I helped a little, but I guess having a smaller room is easier.

Their breakfast is made by themselves. I know that Morgan usually has cereal, Madison usually has a poptart and Taylor's breakfast usually includes a chip or cracker of some sort. I have bribed her with a piece of fruit if she is going to have chips. This is a step in the right direction.

The kids are typically watching tv in the recroom downstairs for every waking hour. Again, I don't have the energy to listen to the fighting. I feel horrible, but basically I see myself acting as if "Children should not be seen or heard." I'm doing such a disservice to them. I'm not the loving mom I was. I make sure they are fed, clothed and clean. They would probably be better off somewhere else. At the end of the day, the last thing I want to sit and do is listen to them read a story with me. That is horrible. I'm a teacher for God's sake! Reading is important. It then turns into an attention seeking battle between Madison and Taylor for the reading, so I quit doing it. I know it's wrong. I do. But by 8:30pm I'm ready for quiet time. Patience is not something I have an abundance of.

So, when I tell people how lonely I am and they say, "You have three kids," it's just not the same. I'm physcially, mentally, and emotionally lonely. I'm not feeling my steller self today. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be better than today. I can only hope for the best.

He will not be erased...

Just when I thought I had a handle on things, life threw me a curveball today. I woke up feeling good. Showered, took the kids to school and headed off to my therapy session. I told Robin of all my boy stories, my troubles with my mother and all about Christmas and New Year's. I left there feeling great. She saw nothing wrong with me "dating" these men as long as I was careful. On the way home I was singing and dancing to the radio. Wayne and I then headed to the county office to get permits for the kitchen remodel. It only took 90 minutes. Again, all was good. Then I checked the mail. There at the bottom of the pile lay Brian's W-2. I suddenly got sick to my stomach. I slowly opened it up. My eyes began to water and tears ran down my cheeks as I read the numbers. How could something so silly upset me. It's the last tax form I've been waiting for. I can have my taxes done now. I should be excited because I'm getting money back. Nope. All I had were tears. It put me in such a funk for the rest of the day/night. After reading the form, I went upstairs to my bed and stared at Brian's picture. Was I sad because this made his death real? I can't figure it out.

To go along with this sadness, I think I sold the van today. The only problem is, I think I have to get the title transfered into my name before I can give the new owners the title. So now I have to go to DMV with Brian's death certificate and get a new title. I keep feeling like I'm erasing him from my life. His name won't be on the taxes after this year. His name will be removed from both titles of the cars. My new mortgage will only have my name on it. Erased. He is not a man that can be erased. He was my high school sweetheart. We followed each other to Virginia Tech. Our wedding reception had a moon bounce. We had three beautiful little girls that each have a part of him enstilled in them. He pushed me to finish my degree. I pushed him to take the job of his dreams. He was my best friend, my husband, and a wonderful father. He loved me like no other ever will. He gave me the moon and the stars. For my birthday in March he gave me one of the singing cards that played, "Just to See You Smile." I love that song. It's so true. He did everything and anything to make me and the girls happy. I was a lucky woman to have such a kind, loving man in my life. He will never be erased from my memory, my heart or my soul.

This is one game I'm not sure I want to be a part of.

Ok, let me tell you how happy I am that I didn't have to date as a teenager. This is much more difficult as an adult. I now know people hate the dating game. There are no set rules. What you do defines everything. One simple mistake and you break the deal. If you call to much, then you're clingy. If you don't call, it means you aren't interested. But it may actually be that the person is actually busy and doesn't have time to talk. Then there's the non-exclusive rule. You can be talking to a guy, but it's still ok to see other people. And apparently I just learned that you can't ask about the "date" he's been on, even if I don't care. Isn't that like asking how your night was? Ok, so I did judge just a little. My mistake. So now I'm told to back off by his friend. I didn't think I was smothering. Jesus.

So, now I sit and wait. In the meantime, I have asked him and his friend to redo my bathrooms. I'm thinking it may be a bad idea right now. How do I get out of this? Maybe it will all work itself out. I'm me. I'm nosey. It's who I am. I'm just guessing he is not the one who can handle me. I'm outspoken. I haven't always been. But I had a fabulous husband, father and best friend. I'd give anything to have him back. ANYTHING! But the reality is, he won't. So here I sit with no husband, no father for my children and no best friend. I want that again. I know what I want and I guess that is what I am looking for whether I know it or not. I tell myself I'm looking for fun and sex, but in reality I'm hoping that fun and sex leads to more. And how can I expect someone to come into this life of mine and take over? I can't. It's way too overwhelming. Three kids, a widow and this life. lol.

This is a game I want no part of... Why can't life be more simple? Black and white. Yes and no. Off or on.

A little bit of happiness...

The girls and I made it through the holidays. It was definately different, but in a good way. Sometimes, I do think that things happen for a reason. Dad had his knee surgery before the big snow on Saturday. We were all snowed in here, mom too. And because Mom and Dad live so far out, they couldn't make it home, so they came back here to stay for a little over a week. It was crazy, but a good crazy. Kids were running, dogs were barking, and Dad had Mom and I busy tending to him. Physcial therapy came to the house and all was well. I did miss Brian, but I was so happy to at least have Mom here with me to put out the things from Santa. That would have been far too sad for me to do alone. My father-in-law took the kids shopping a few days before Christmas to shop for gifts for me. They were so excited. This was a tradition started by my FIL when Brian was a child. Every Christmas Eve my FIL would take all of the kids shopping for my MIL's gifts. Brian shared this tradition with our children. And while it wasn't Christmas Eve that they went shopping, I think it did my FIL and the girls good to get out and be together. Christmas Eve used to be my one morning to sleep in and get last minute things together while the kids were away. I'm really glad my FIL offered to take them. I was going to ask him if he was interested, but he beat me too it. I know my mother would have taken the girls, but it just meant more to all of us to have my FIL take them.

As for Christmas morning, Dad was able to come down to watch the "show". The girls loved all of their gifts. Though Taylor said she wanted a real drum set. NOT! Just after seeing all that Santa had brought, my MIL and FIL came with groceries to make breakfast. It was a nice relaxing morning. There was more gift opening and a delicious breakfast. Mom got me a beautiful windchime set with Brian's name engraved on them. It has a beautiful poem that of course I cried while reading it. Dad got me a pendant for my necklace with a mom holding three girls. First, my father never buys our gifts. Second, he cried when he gave it to me saying that it was his four girls. And lastly, I had asked Brian for the exact pendant for the past two Christmas'. Ironic isn't it?

The rest of the day the kids played and we all computed on the three laptops. Mom had bought a honey ham and some vegetables for dinner. We threw a quick dinner together in 15 minutes. We warmed up some corn, green beans and made mashed potatoes from flakes. lol. We were tired and it suited us all well. It was my family: my mom and dad and my girls. Still hard to believe that Brian was just with us last year. I've been sleeping on the Marriott pillows I bought for him last year. Brian was right, they are nice.

So we made it through. New Year's, well that's another story. To be honest, I dreaded New Year's more than Christmas. In the past, my parents take the girls for the night and have thier own party with sparkling cider and sparklers, while Brian and I went out. I had no plans this year. I had been invited to various places but didn't feel comfortable doing couple things. Jay stood me up, go figure, but I didn't let that stop me from having a good time. My friend Becky from high school had invited me out to Fredericksburg with her husband and a group of friends. Of course all couples, but me and this one guy they were trying to hook me up with. AHH! But I told myself I would not stay home alone. I was going out if it killed me. I knew the girls would be with the girls and the boys would be bonding, so I was ok with this group. I new 50% of the people, so I was comfortable. We went to a great dinner and then bar hopped for the remainder of the night, stopping to watch the pineapple drop at midnight. Yes, I said pineapple. lol. Still I had no one to kiss, but Becky. :) My bestest friend of 22 years. After several drinks I did begin to flirt with the new guy, Luke. Did I mention the room situation at the hotel? Well after making sucha last minute decision, what did I expect. There was only one room left in the entire hotel and of course, it had but one king size bed. I was assured by Becky that Luke could sleep on the pullout sofa. See where this is going? By 2am we all headed back to Bek's room and hung out for another hour. By now I'm a little drunk, but can remember most things. What happened next, I remember. Luke and I went back to our room. I got my bag and pj's and went to the bathroom. I was able to take out my contacts, a good indicator that I'm not too drunk, and get my flannel pj bottoms and tank top on. I walk out and guess who is laying in the bed watching Sports Center. What was I supposed to do? I thought, Ok this is a king size bed, we are adults here. Well, somehow we were spooning and the rest is up to your imagination. I do have to say that the cuddling was by far the BEST part. Next morning was a little awkward, but he was a gentleman. I don't do one night stands. I have never ever done such things. Honestly, he was the second, yes you read that correctly, second man I have ever been with. Luckily he doesn't know that, but I digress. He's been texting me daily. It won't go into anything serious, but it's nice to have the attention.

So here is where I made my New Year's resolution. I was in such a good mood for the next four days. I'm not sure if it was Luke or my new med's kicking in or both. I told myself that I was going to stop feeling lonely and do something about it. No this does not mean that I am going to sleep with the entire world. I just meant that I am going to socialize, I am going to flirt, and I am not going to sit at home and wonder. I am 35 years young. Yes I said it. I am going to relive my 20's as an unmarried woman. I get a do-over. I get to see what I missed out on. Yes, I miss Brian with every fiber of my being, but he also wouldn't want me miserable. Hell, I wouldn't want him miserable. He will always be with me in my head and in my heart. Thoughts of him run through my veins. I have visited him at the cemetery and had a discussion about all of this. (Yes I really am crazy.) Going to see him keeps me grounded on what is important. I need that.

This past week another friend invited me to watch football at her house with the girls. Another fix up. The guy was there but didn't realize I was single. We get to go for round two at the playoff game this weekend. lol. I also have a coffee date with another guy in two days. I'm just having fun, not making any commitments. Maybe I'll meet Mr. Right, but for now I'm hanging out with all of the Mr. Right Nows. I'm moving forward a little at a time. It's scary, but it beats the alternative of being alone and lonely. I know how dark that place is. My friends say they admire me. Not sure why. I know what I want and I will get it again. It may be different, but I've had a fabulous taste of happiness. For now, I'll take every little bit of happiness I can find...