Snow, snow and more snow. The snow is beautiful, but there is a lot of it. I just shoveled the entire driveway, ALONE. In the beginning I felt good that I was able to do this alone, with no help. Somewhere in the middle I began to cuss Brian for not being here to do this instead of me. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this storm and the last could have been the very thing that took Brian from me. It is said that many men suffer from heart attacks after shoveling snow. What if Brian hadn't died on the soccer field? What if he had his heart attack while shoveling the snow in the driveway? I usually didn't help him. How long would he have been out there? What would I have done? The kids would have experienced the death of their father. I guess, it's safe to say that things happen for a reason. At least at the sportsplex, the girls and I didn't have to see him suffer. But maybe if we were there or if he was here, we could have said goodbye. Maybe he had some words for us to hear. I dunno. I'll never know.
How can my day go so well and end up so badly? It's the little things I miss. I forget that trash day is Tuesday and Friday. I missed it today. That was his job. Shoveling was his job. I remember and miss so many things that set me off and put me in a funk. I'm tired of doing this. I know this is part of the grieving process, but I want it to be over. I'm done. I don't want my life to go on without him, but I don't want to keep going on this way either. Is there some happy medium???
No comments:
Post a Comment