Just when I thought I had a handle on things, life threw me a curveball today. I woke up feeling good. Showered, took the kids to school and headed off to my therapy session. I told Robin of all my boy stories, my troubles with my mother and all about Christmas and New Year's. I left there feeling great. She saw nothing wrong with me "dating" these men as long as I was careful. On the way home I was singing and dancing to the radio. Wayne and I then headed to the county office to get permits for the kitchen remodel. It only took 90 minutes. Again, all was good. Then I checked the mail. There at the bottom of the pile lay Brian's W-2. I suddenly got sick to my stomach. I slowly opened it up. My eyes began to water and tears ran down my cheeks as I read the numbers. How could something so silly upset me. It's the last tax form I've been waiting for. I can have my taxes done now. I should be excited because I'm getting money back. Nope. All I had were tears. It put me in such a funk for the rest of the day/night. After reading the form, I went upstairs to my bed and stared at Brian's picture. Was I sad because this made his death real? I can't figure it out.
To go along with this sadness, I think I sold the van today. The only problem is, I think I have to get the title transfered into my name before I can give the new owners the title. So now I have to go to DMV with Brian's death certificate and get a new title. I keep feeling like I'm erasing him from my life. His name won't be on the taxes after this year. His name will be removed from both titles of the cars. My new mortgage will only have my name on it. Erased. He is not a man that can be erased. He was my high school sweetheart. We followed each other to Virginia Tech. Our wedding reception had a moon bounce. We had three beautiful little girls that each have a part of him enstilled in them. He pushed me to finish my degree. I pushed him to take the job of his dreams. He was my best friend, my husband, and a wonderful father. He loved me like no other ever will. He gave me the moon and the stars. For my birthday in March he gave me one of the singing cards that played, "Just to See You Smile." I love that song. It's so true. He did everything and anything to make me and the girls happy. I was a lucky woman to have such a kind, loving man in my life. He will never be erased from my memory, my heart or my soul.
A piece of paper didn't make your love more real, more alive, more vibrant - you two built that together. The most important parts of Brian aren't going to be found on a tax form, or on the mortgage, but in the memories you hold close at night, the ones to just get you through the night.....it's all the good stuff, that only you knew about him, he about you. I can agree, the second year is harder than the first; as the tangible items that linked you together will slowly erode away, everyone will expect that you've adjusted, but loss takes it's own time, it's own journey. Try to remember, that you're stronger than you know, you've always tackled life with grace, humor, your whole heart - all those things that Brian, and everyone who has ever had the pleasure to meet you love most about you. Hang in there....we're pulling for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's kind of a funny story....perhaps, interesting is a better word - I, um, fell apart, finally, after everything, and was looking at some website on grieving suggested by my therapist. (love her. what a Godsend!) and I saw this one, The Butterfly....all I could think of was that this one would be about someone who came out the other side, who could finally, take a breath, and laugh, play, and not feel stranded under a very heavy, wet blanket. Reading the profile, I was floored, as I knew you. Oh, Toni, I'm so very very sorry, from the bottom of my heart, that Brian's no longer with you. I can't imagine, truly, how difficult this is - but yes, grief is it's own journey and know, someday, it'll still hurt, but not quite so sharp. At least, I hope so. For both our sakes! Not that my babies were anywhere close to Brian....but well. I hope you know what i mean.
ReplyDeleteShould you want, my email is puckerupnsmoochme@gmail.com
When I read this, I went to call; I saw it months ago, really, but didn't know what to say, or how; or whether you'd even want to talk to me, or recall who I was. Know though, I am your friend, I love you, and if you need anything, I hope you reach out for it. I learned the hard way, that if you don't, it gets really ugly. :)
Don't have your email anymore, so I apologize for putting this on yoru blog....I do think of you, often. Should you want it, my cell is the same - I'll pass along, if you want.
xo to you and the girls.
ps. saw Ry is engaged, I'm so happy for him. I hope she knows how lucky she is. :)