Journey for a purpose

So it's about time I come out of hibernation. In the last five months I have:
survived the renovation of my kitchen, met a guy that I enjoy spending time with (more on this later-though don't get too excited), enjoyed many breakfasts and lunches with friends, celebrated my first birthday without Brian, taken a vacation to Hershey Park with the kids and my mother, began a series of panic attacks, attended a memorial dinner in honor of Brian with zillions of family and friends, had a break down with my history professor (to receive a pity grade of a B), substituted several days at the two elementery schools, attended my first wedding without Brian, attended two outdoor concerts, hosted a birthday party for my youngest without any help from friends and family, watched my eldest daughter graduate from 6th grade, lost another wonderful man in my life: my grandfather, attended another wedding where my children were a part of the wedding party (Brian would have been too), failed a NOVA class, went on a family vacation cross country with my parents and children and visited old friends in Seattle with the girls.

Whew! Guess I've been busy when you put it that way. And to think I didn't think I had been doing a thing. It's officially summer now. School is out and we are home for the remainder of the days. No classes until August 30th either. :)

I've had my highs and lows. Luke and Luke finished the two bathrooms. We still keep in touch some and have seen each other a few times since. I met a guy named David that had me high for a while. I enjoy his company, but there is something about him that I can't put my finger on. He's very closed mouth. Not sure on this. Anyway, we've been talking off and on since just before my birthday. He got me through my first wedding since Brian. It was nice not to be alone. I made it through the anniversary of Brian's death. The memorial dinner was great. We had about 50+ people come out to the Crab House. It made the day a little more barable. I hit a rough patch a few weeks ago. Feeling as if I shouldn't be here on Earth. A little scary for me, but I'm coming around. I still think it should have been me that was taken from the girls. Brian would have had more patience with the girls. He would have gotten the work all done. He was a hands on guy. All I do is bury my head in the sand. That's what happened with my NOVA class. I was doing so well until Pop died. I sunk back into my bed and ignored the school work. I'll now be taking 6 hours in the fall. Ugh. At one point, I just wanted to quit school. Why bother taking classes if I can't mentally handle it? I've screwed up the last three sememsters. But reality says I have to finish. For me and for the girls. I need order in my life. I need purpose. I'm on a journey to find it in the next 7 weeks. lol.

Today was a good day. Yesterday was Madison's 10th birthday. To celebrate we went to a DC United game with friends. Even the heat couldn't damper the day.

I have so much more to say but it's late and I should gather my thoughts first. I feel like my brain is ADD and I can't focus.