Summer of Fun

So remember when I said all I wanted to do was sleep? Well I got part of my wish. Last night I went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 8:30am this morning to take my girls to camp. I was back in bed by 8:44am and slept until 11:06am. You would think I would be well rested, but I think I could honestly stay in bed all day and sleep. I remember my mother doing this when I was a kid. I was left to fend for myself on weekends for breakfast. Bryers ice cream was delicious. No wonder I was so heavy in 4th grade. Is this how my children will remember me? Will they remember eating popcorn, cereal or poptarts for breakfast. (Those are the current meals of each child.) I try to pull it together for them and do fun things during the day, but by nights end I am done.

We went to King's Dominion today (a local amusement park). The kids had a great time, although my youngest couldn't do too much due to her cast. I am actually going to call the Dr. in the morning about the cast. We are scheduled to go to an indoor water park for a few days next week, but I am worried they won't let her do any of the activities with her cast on. So much for the waterproof cast. Do I jeperdize her healing wrist so that she can have fun on our trip? Or do I cancel the trip? It's our summer of fun. We actually leave for the beach tomorrow too for the weekend. Busy time before school starts. I guess I'm doing this all out of guilt. Once school starts for the kids and me (grad school), life is going to be chaos. I have class 3 nights a week and the kids will have a sitter. I feel horrible for having someone else care for them and putting them to bed instead of me. I keep telling myself, "Only one more semester." I just have to keep telling myself that. I'm just not sure how I am going to do ALL of this alone.

Ok, enough whining. I'm going to fold my laundry and head off to bed. Here is to a happy weekend at the beach!!!!

At the end of my rope.

In the midst of thinking I'm doing ok. I realized today that I am NOT. This parenting without a break thing sucks. He doesn't come home to releave me like he used to. I sleep all the time in the day, but not at night. I've been taking the kids to camp at 8:30am and going back to bed until 11:00. This leaves me enough time to take a shower before picking them up. Though yesterday I didn't even shower. I slept 25 minutes longer. There are days that I even take naps in the afternoon as well. I totally lost it today with my children. I gave them the warning of: "Mommy's going to lose it, so go find something to play with." I feel so guilty, but I just needed quiet time. No whining, no gimmies, no fighting. I tried to apologize to the girls. I'm hoping they are resilient. In the 'moment,' I could feel my BP shooting up. I hate feeling out of control. I have so many things to do, but no motivation to do them. I'm doing the laundry now for the beach this weekend. I need to straighten up the basement, have the kids clean thier rooms, put away the clean clothes and declutter the living room. Though, I have nothing to give. I'm on empty.

Funny how I can say I'm doing well, when in reality I'm not. I can get the kids where they need to go, and make sure they are fed and in bed on time. I kinda lose track of the bathing, but for the most part they are fairly clean. lol. Here is hoping for a better tomorrow. We are going out to dinner tonight because who wants to cook? Not me!

Does Lightening Strike Twice?

I miss him. I miss the smell of his hair. The touch of his skin. The goodbye kisses in the morning. The phone calls in the middle of the day. The sound of the kids yelling, "Daddy's home." I miss hearing him read the kids a bedtime story at night. Falling asleep on his chest every night with his arm around me holding me close. I miss seeing him cook on the grill. I miss buying him clothes, Pepsi's and Sour Cream and Onion chips. I miss hearing his voice. I miss his I love you's.

Will anyone ever love me the way Brian did? He gave his everything to us all. I wanna be loved again. To be hugged again. And to be kissed again with such passion. I miss him. Together forever, till death do us part.

The Girls are Back in Town

My babies are finally all home. All children are home for the summer. The girls seemed to have a good time at grief camp. They have only shared a few intimate experiences with me. Each day I seem to get a little more information from them. They all talked about the Healing Circle. I like that. We are all healing from this horrible tragedy. Though it will take our wounds far longer to recover than any scab. Each camper was able to make a stuffed animal and dress it in an adorable outfit. How cool is that? I was able to talk to two of the girls' Big Buddies. They were able to briefly share that Madison and Taylor were able to laugh, cry and share their stories at the Healing Circle. I am so proud of my girls for facing something so difficult with strangers and leaving with new friendships.

Remembering the beginning

I finally brought home the box of notes and momentos from my parents house. The box was filled with notes and things from high school and college. I threw away anything irrelivent, but kept everything else. I have been reading the notes each night before bed. Even as a sophomore in high school he loved me. The notes have not made me sad at all. They have only made me smile. I was loved by a man with all his heart. I'm a lucky lady. I wonder if there will be another man that can love me half as much as Brian. He was such a romantic even then. He said silly things like: I love you more than infinity +2. There were more, but I forget them. I'll be sure to read them again tonight. Brian was a wonderful man who loved me and the girls with all his heart. Why did it take me until his death to dig out the old notes? I'm glad I have them though. I can now show my girls how much he cared for me. I want them to know they came from loving parents. I hope they can remember.

I've hung out with Brian's best friend and his fiance for the past two days while the girls have been at grief camp. We spent last night talking about Brian and how the girls will be dating before we know it. Some how I got all teary eyed after Ryan mentioned always being there for me and my girls. Through my tears I said I was counting on it. I want the girls to have a male influence in their life. I'm so afraid they are going to go looking for it as teens in the form of a boy looking for something other than real friendship. I myself remember doing this as a teen. My dad wasn't around much at that time, but I needed some attention. I was lucky to have had a pretty good head on my shoulders though. All I can hope is that I give my girls the tools to deal with all of life's challenges.

I go pick up the girls tomorrow from camp. I really have missed them, though I have had a lot of fun. I haven't gotten anything done that I was supposed to. Oops. I half expect the girls to be "cured" tomorrow and resilient, but know they won't be. I'm hoping this weekend will have done them some good. I'm guessing that they won't talk too much about it, but I'm hoping they will.

The Dash

The Dash Poem
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?


Brian spent his dash living life to the fullest. He played hard. He lived, laughed and loved. His dash was filled with times of family and friends. He gave his all in everything he did; always giving deep down to the core. He was a wonderful, loving and playful father. He loved me with all his heart and did anything to make me smile. He was my best friend. I will miss him. His dash was way too short.

Tonight I fly alone.

Brian sleeps alone tonight in the depths of the earth. I don't feel him here with me now. His ashes were on the dresser until today. He was always with me in the house. Tonight we sleep alone; not in the same room. I just had to stay after the ceremony to witness his burial. I had to see it to believe it. And all I could think about was jumping down there and bringing him back home. Would anyone really know? I thought maybe, just maybe it was like a time capsule and I could dig him up in a few years and look through all of the things the girls put in there and visit with him. I know in my heart of heart, HE is not there, but a part of him really is. I thought about putting my wedding ring in there, but knew I wanted to save it for my girls. The cement box they put him in seemed so institutionalized, so sterile. Who wants to be in that environment? I would have brought a pillow or blanket if I would have known. I know this all sounds crazy and unrealistic, but these are the things that I think of.

I went to my in-laws for breakfast and hung out for 3 hours. I was totally inappropriate at the ceremony when I invited everyone to my in-laws afterward. I made reference to drinking at 11am and something about "it's 5:00 somewhere." I say the damnedest things when I am nervous. The girls and I came home afterwards and I checked out for three hours in my room. I took a long nap. The kids and I had a talk on the way back, but no one really had much to say. My middle daughter put a piece of her blanket in the envelope to be placed in with Brian, along with a picture of her with straight hair. He always loved her hair straight. I thought the blanket was the sweetest thing ever. My oldest daughter had painted a picture and hand drawn a Father of the Year Award for him. She also included two pictures of her with him. My youngest wrote him a letter with a picture of three trees and two flowers. Daddy, Taylor and Morgan were trees and me and Madison were the flowers. Super sweet. I really wanted to keep it, but it wasn't for me.

Well, I'd better try to get some sleep. I'm heading back to my friends for a pool party tomorrow morning. The kids will play while the ladies chat. I guess the distraction will be good. I have taken two benedryl in hopes of sleeping tonight. I'm not much on heading to the bedroom alone. He's just not there...

One step forward and two steps back

That is how I feel today. Tomorrow we go to bury Brian's ashes. Before you ask me why I am putting them in a plot, I have to tell you it is for my girls. (and MIL) But mostly for my girls. They like going to cemeteries and bringing flowers. We often visit my nana at Arlington Cemetery. They love to look around and see who is new and who has had visitors. I, personally would be fine with having him stay on my dresser, but I do what I can for my girls. For my girls I will even go to my MIL's after the ceremony for lunch. I tried to get her to have lunch at a resteraunt, but she insisted on having it at thier house. What if I don't feel like it afterwards? Do I have to go? I have no idea how I will be. This is going to be what makes it final. At least I think so. I'm still waiting for the tidal wave, but it hasn't come yet. I've tried to cry in the last week and a half, but have to tears to shed. I'm all dried up. I even bought the movie "Beaches" to jumpstart it, but haven't watched it. I LOVE that movie. It reminds me of my friend Becky. I finally went to visit her last week and invited myself and the girls for a sleepover. I haven't really hung out with her in several years, but it was like we never skipped a beat. That is just who we are. We have been friends since my 8th grade year. She's the best. She is my Bette Midler.

On a one step forward note, I bit the bullet and facebooked Jay to see how he was doing. He actually responded and has made my day for the last two days. Funny how contact from someone can set the tone for your day. It's not a lot of communication, but it's something. I vow not to screw this up this time. I like what little attention I am getting. My friends say they will set me up, but I'm not ready to date. I just like attention from familiar people. I know I'm safe with him and not some wack job from the streets. Right now it's just friends and I will take anything over nothing. For now he is my distraction. Reality sucks!

So for now I will put the love of my life to rest. The girls and I each have something special to place in his urn tomorrow. My MIL called tonight. She is a mess. How come I am not? I'm guessing it is because I am the type of person who doesn't get nervous until the day of the event. We shall see how I do. I'll have Mom and Dad there for me, as well as all of his family.

I'll keep you all posted. I'm hoping for closure, but am pretty sure I won't get it just yet...