Soulmates, movies, and checking out!

I sit here watching the movie Sweet Home Alabama. I don't know what it is about this movie that allows me to watch it over and over again. The only thing I can come up with is that Melanie and Jake found their soulmate at the age of 10. I think that Brian and I became soulmates at 16. I think it's the same reason I could watch Twilight over and over. Bella and Edward have the connection I feel Brian and I did. I'm pretty sure I'll never find another love like that again. Oh, I believe I'll find love, but nothing like what Brian and I had though. I want to be loved. I want to look into the eyes of another every morning and know that I am the first and last thing he thinks about each day.

Funny how there are certain movies we can watch over and over. Some have meaning, some don't. Let's see what are some others? Top Gun, Good Will Hunting, The Bourne Trilogy, Overboard, I am Sam, The Breakfast Club, Monsters, Inc., P.S. I Love You, When Harry Met Sally. Just to name a few. Some for love, some for the look of the men, and some just because.

I like to tune out at night. An escape from the real world. It's like watching soaps. You just check out and wrap yourself up in that world. I tend to check out a lot. More than what is healthy. I personally think it's healthy in my head. lol. These late nights are getting to me though. Still sleeping on my side of the bed. Sometimes I put my arm on his side just to pretend it's on his chest.

Death sucks. Doesn't matter how, when or why. It sucks at any age, young or old. The grief it leaves behind is more than most of us can bare, but we keep marching on. One day at a time...

One foot in front of the other

Today was a great day! The girls and I went to visit Brian's grandma. She broke both of her shoulders in a fall a few weeks ago. She looks awesome and is doing well. We then went to IKEA to get some ideas for the girls room rennovations. And I have to say the best thing I bought there was a frame for a butterfly card I had bought. It's perfect! Everything about it. The frame, the picture and the verse. It says:

A Butterfly

lights beside us like a sunbeam
and for a brief moment its glory and beauty
belong to the world but then it flies again
and though we wish it could have stayed...
we feel lucky to have seen it

-Unknown

I love it. I can't figure out where to put it though. I want to see it everyday.
Well, after IKEA we ran to Michael's to get some scrapbooking stuff for the girls. I want to make each of them a scrap book with thier daddy's favorite things. Pepsi, salt and vinegar chips, favorite colors: white and black (they matched everything), Skor candy bars, boston baked beans, golf, soccer, etc. I want them to remember. I think that Taylor was just 6 when Brian died. She will only remember what we tell her. I need her to remember. I need to remember. I feel like he's just slipping away. Life is going on, but I know he's here. The girls want to redo their rooms. This includes painting. Brian painted a special wall in both Madison and Taylor's rooms. I think it is so sweet that they want to keep the one wall just they way their daddy did it. I hate the thought of moving out of this house. I'm not, don't worry. At least not anytime soon. Any house after this won't include Brian. Some of this house is without him already with our rennovations, but I know he is still here. His blood, sweat and tears are here. His spirit is here. I know I go on and on here about him, but this is the one place I feel I can. In my daily life I get the looks or fear people will tire of hearing about him.

Back to my great day! The girls and I then grabbed dinner at my favorite: Chick-fil-a. It was fabulous. No one had any major meltdowns. We all got along. We sang in the car together and Taylor beat us at Beetlejuice. Instead of saying punch buggie and slugging your sister, we say Beetlejuice and rack up the points. That was my solution to the punching, not to mention Brian liked the movie. :) So today was a good day. Lots of daddy things and all on a good note. Tomorrow is another day. What will it bring?

Journey for a purpose

So it's about time I come out of hibernation. In the last five months I have:
survived the renovation of my kitchen, met a guy that I enjoy spending time with (more on this later-though don't get too excited), enjoyed many breakfasts and lunches with friends, celebrated my first birthday without Brian, taken a vacation to Hershey Park with the kids and my mother, began a series of panic attacks, attended a memorial dinner in honor of Brian with zillions of family and friends, had a break down with my history professor (to receive a pity grade of a B), substituted several days at the two elementery schools, attended my first wedding without Brian, attended two outdoor concerts, hosted a birthday party for my youngest without any help from friends and family, watched my eldest daughter graduate from 6th grade, lost another wonderful man in my life: my grandfather, attended another wedding where my children were a part of the wedding party (Brian would have been too), failed a NOVA class, went on a family vacation cross country with my parents and children and visited old friends in Seattle with the girls.

Whew! Guess I've been busy when you put it that way. And to think I didn't think I had been doing a thing. It's officially summer now. School is out and we are home for the remainder of the days. No classes until August 30th either. :)

I've had my highs and lows. Luke and Luke finished the two bathrooms. We still keep in touch some and have seen each other a few times since. I met a guy named David that had me high for a while. I enjoy his company, but there is something about him that I can't put my finger on. He's very closed mouth. Not sure on this. Anyway, we've been talking off and on since just before my birthday. He got me through my first wedding since Brian. It was nice not to be alone. I made it through the anniversary of Brian's death. The memorial dinner was great. We had about 50+ people come out to the Crab House. It made the day a little more barable. I hit a rough patch a few weeks ago. Feeling as if I shouldn't be here on Earth. A little scary for me, but I'm coming around. I still think it should have been me that was taken from the girls. Brian would have had more patience with the girls. He would have gotten the work all done. He was a hands on guy. All I do is bury my head in the sand. That's what happened with my NOVA class. I was doing so well until Pop died. I sunk back into my bed and ignored the school work. I'll now be taking 6 hours in the fall. Ugh. At one point, I just wanted to quit school. Why bother taking classes if I can't mentally handle it? I've screwed up the last three sememsters. But reality says I have to finish. For me and for the girls. I need order in my life. I need purpose. I'm on a journey to find it in the next 7 weeks. lol.

Today was a good day. Yesterday was Madison's 10th birthday. To celebrate we went to a DC United game with friends. Even the heat couldn't damper the day.

I have so much more to say but it's late and I should gather my thoughts first. I feel like my brain is ADD and I can't focus.