Hibernation!

Snowed in with no place else to go, but crazy. I've been in such a funk since last night. I miss him so much.

I sat in the shower this morning remembering his face, hair, eyes, chest, hands, and
making love. I laughed as I accidentally got water into my eyes. Brian would have gone crazy. He always had the towel hanging over the edge of the shower, just in case. He must have been scarred for life as a child. He didn't even like the spray from the shower in his eyes.

I tried to explain how I'm feeling to my bestest friend, but I know she doesn't get it. I am so jealous of her marriage and their relationship that I can't see straight, yet I want to be around them. I see so much of Brian and I in them. I see how much he loves her. She wonders how he could love her for who she is. They are best friends. They share everything! Yes, even the secrets I tell her. lol. That's how Brian and I were: best friends, husband and wife, and lovers.

She tells me to keep it together for the kids, but I just can't. I love them with every fiber of my being, I do. But to be honest, I don't want them around. Not that I don't love them or like being with them. I just want to lie in my bed, watch movies and zone out. I don't have the energy to be a mom. I don't want to play the Wii, play in the snow, play board games or even snuggle. I've been sitting on my couch all day in the fetal position watching movies all day. I haven't lifted a finger to feed them. They have fended for themselves. Taylor and I did go out and shovel a bit, but I just got exhausted and angry that I was even doing it at all. As I sit here I hear Morgan telling Taylor to be quiet because Mommy is in a bad mood. It makes me cry. I can physically step outside of myself, see what I'm doing wrong, but can't make my body do the right thing. I just want to grieve. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to punch the shit out of something. I'm so angry.

I thought I was over my hump from months 6-7. Sadly, I am in another low at month 9.5. My BFF says it comes and goes. Her mom lost her husband a few years back, so I know she has seen it first hand with her mother. I guess in my head I kept thinking that the one year mark would hit and all the sadness would be gone. I'm told it's a process. I'm more of a one time thing person. Hurry up, do it and get it over with. Grief doesn't work this way. The worst thing is, the kids don't get that. They just see me during my manic highs and lows. I lost it this afternoon. I threw a cup across the room, because Taylor refused to wait for me to do something for her. Horrible. I'm a horrible mother. All I can think of is Mommy Dearest. I don't want my girls to remember me like that, but how can I make things different when I feel so alone in this. I know I have a zillion friends, but not one of them gets this. Not one of them is alone. I'd love to be able to have an ex-husband to send the children to. Hell, I can't even send them to my mothers at this point. (Medical issues) Friends offer to help, but the children don't want to go anywhere but be with me. Lord only knows why. I'm such a joy to be around. No need to call CPS. I'm not beating them, they eat 3 meals a day (or more), they get to bed at a reasonable hour and they are doing fine in school.

I have to get my shit together. I don't want to clean up the rooms that need organizing, nor do I want to do my school work. To be honest, I just want to live in my fantasy world where things are peachy. And if I can't be there then I'd rather be in my bed watching movies or napping. Is it bedtime yet for the kids? They aren't bothering me at all, but if they are in bed, then I know they can't ask anything of me. Not sure on the whole God thing right now, but say a prayer that my children turn out ok and that I don't scar them for life.

Rose, I will call you! I'm just trying to find the right time.

Snow: the root of all sadness!

Snow, snow and more snow. The snow is beautiful, but there is a lot of it. I just shoveled the entire driveway, ALONE. In the beginning I felt good that I was able to do this alone, with no help. Somewhere in the middle I began to cuss Brian for not being here to do this instead of me. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this storm and the last could have been the very thing that took Brian from me. It is said that many men suffer from heart attacks after shoveling snow. What if Brian hadn't died on the soccer field? What if he had his heart attack while shoveling the snow in the driveway? I usually didn't help him. How long would he have been out there? What would I have done? The kids would have experienced the death of their father. I guess, it's safe to say that things happen for a reason. At least at the sportsplex, the girls and I didn't have to see him suffer. But maybe if we were there or if he was here, we could have said goodbye. Maybe he had some words for us to hear. I dunno. I'll never know.

How can my day go so well and end up so badly? It's the little things I miss. I forget that trash day is Tuesday and Friday. I missed it today. That was his job. Shoveling was his job. I remember and miss so many things that set me off and put me in a funk. I'm tired of doing this. I know this is part of the grieving process, but I want it to be over. I'm done. I don't want my life to go on without him, but I don't want to keep going on this way either. Is there some happy medium???

Hoping tomorrow is a better day!

I'm having a day. Not a bad day, but not a good day. I woke up a little grumpy, though there was no school today. I got to sleep in. I should be happy. Just about lunch time I gathered up the girls to head to Sears to pick out appliances for the new kitchen. Taylor then informed me she did not want to join us, so she made other plans. Great choice. I dispise shopping with her. It's all about what she can get out of the trip. So, Morgan, Madison and I headed to the mall. We grabbed some lunch first and then browsed around Sears. I spent $3300 in a matter of 45 minutes. Damn. The fridge, stove/oven, and microwave will be delivered next Wednesday. Beautiful.

I made one more stop to a clothing store to purchase some new bras and panties. Who doesn't like to look pretty? The girls helped me pick out some new items and were actually very good. Great start to the day, right?

Well, sometime between then and 4:00pm I got into a funk. It hit me. I'm alone. Yes, I know I have three beautiful little girls. And yes, I love them with all my heart and soul, but they can't fulfill my needs right now. I want an adult to talk to, to cuddle with and to hug and cry on. I feel like a loser of a mother. I basically let them run all over me. They treat the pantry like it's a 24 hour snack shack. They go to the basement to eat and promise to pick up thier trash. Do they? No! I find it all chewed up from the dog, scattered all over the floor. Do they not hear me? I know it's my fault because I don't follow through. I honestly don't have the energy to be consistant. I may be on it one day, but so tired the next. As for their bedrooms, omg. I've given up on Madison's room. I can't even walk in there anymore. I just shut the door and tell her I'm not doing the laundry until it's out in the hall. Same for Morgan. Her room is a bit cleaner, but still has baskets of clean clothes in it that she refuses to put away. Taylor, believe it or not, has the neatest room. I helped a little, but I guess having a smaller room is easier.

Their breakfast is made by themselves. I know that Morgan usually has cereal, Madison usually has a poptart and Taylor's breakfast usually includes a chip or cracker of some sort. I have bribed her with a piece of fruit if she is going to have chips. This is a step in the right direction.

The kids are typically watching tv in the recroom downstairs for every waking hour. Again, I don't have the energy to listen to the fighting. I feel horrible, but basically I see myself acting as if "Children should not be seen or heard." I'm doing such a disservice to them. I'm not the loving mom I was. I make sure they are fed, clothed and clean. They would probably be better off somewhere else. At the end of the day, the last thing I want to sit and do is listen to them read a story with me. That is horrible. I'm a teacher for God's sake! Reading is important. It then turns into an attention seeking battle between Madison and Taylor for the reading, so I quit doing it. I know it's wrong. I do. But by 8:30pm I'm ready for quiet time. Patience is not something I have an abundance of.

So, when I tell people how lonely I am and they say, "You have three kids," it's just not the same. I'm physcially, mentally, and emotionally lonely. I'm not feeling my steller self today. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be better than today. I can only hope for the best.