He will not be erased...

Just when I thought I had a handle on things, life threw me a curveball today. I woke up feeling good. Showered, took the kids to school and headed off to my therapy session. I told Robin of all my boy stories, my troubles with my mother and all about Christmas and New Year's. I left there feeling great. She saw nothing wrong with me "dating" these men as long as I was careful. On the way home I was singing and dancing to the radio. Wayne and I then headed to the county office to get permits for the kitchen remodel. It only took 90 minutes. Again, all was good. Then I checked the mail. There at the bottom of the pile lay Brian's W-2. I suddenly got sick to my stomach. I slowly opened it up. My eyes began to water and tears ran down my cheeks as I read the numbers. How could something so silly upset me. It's the last tax form I've been waiting for. I can have my taxes done now. I should be excited because I'm getting money back. Nope. All I had were tears. It put me in such a funk for the rest of the day/night. After reading the form, I went upstairs to my bed and stared at Brian's picture. Was I sad because this made his death real? I can't figure it out.

To go along with this sadness, I think I sold the van today. The only problem is, I think I have to get the title transfered into my name before I can give the new owners the title. So now I have to go to DMV with Brian's death certificate and get a new title. I keep feeling like I'm erasing him from my life. His name won't be on the taxes after this year. His name will be removed from both titles of the cars. My new mortgage will only have my name on it. Erased. He is not a man that can be erased. He was my high school sweetheart. We followed each other to Virginia Tech. Our wedding reception had a moon bounce. We had three beautiful little girls that each have a part of him enstilled in them. He pushed me to finish my degree. I pushed him to take the job of his dreams. He was my best friend, my husband, and a wonderful father. He loved me like no other ever will. He gave me the moon and the stars. For my birthday in March he gave me one of the singing cards that played, "Just to See You Smile." I love that song. It's so true. He did everything and anything to make me and the girls happy. I was a lucky woman to have such a kind, loving man in my life. He will never be erased from my memory, my heart or my soul.

This is one game I'm not sure I want to be a part of.

Ok, let me tell you how happy I am that I didn't have to date as a teenager. This is much more difficult as an adult. I now know people hate the dating game. There are no set rules. What you do defines everything. One simple mistake and you break the deal. If you call to much, then you're clingy. If you don't call, it means you aren't interested. But it may actually be that the person is actually busy and doesn't have time to talk. Then there's the non-exclusive rule. You can be talking to a guy, but it's still ok to see other people. And apparently I just learned that you can't ask about the "date" he's been on, even if I don't care. Isn't that like asking how your night was? Ok, so I did judge just a little. My mistake. So now I'm told to back off by his friend. I didn't think I was smothering. Jesus.

So, now I sit and wait. In the meantime, I have asked him and his friend to redo my bathrooms. I'm thinking it may be a bad idea right now. How do I get out of this? Maybe it will all work itself out. I'm me. I'm nosey. It's who I am. I'm just guessing he is not the one who can handle me. I'm outspoken. I haven't always been. But I had a fabulous husband, father and best friend. I'd give anything to have him back. ANYTHING! But the reality is, he won't. So here I sit with no husband, no father for my children and no best friend. I want that again. I know what I want and I guess that is what I am looking for whether I know it or not. I tell myself I'm looking for fun and sex, but in reality I'm hoping that fun and sex leads to more. And how can I expect someone to come into this life of mine and take over? I can't. It's way too overwhelming. Three kids, a widow and this life. lol.

This is a game I want no part of... Why can't life be more simple? Black and white. Yes and no. Off or on.

A little bit of happiness...

The girls and I made it through the holidays. It was definately different, but in a good way. Sometimes, I do think that things happen for a reason. Dad had his knee surgery before the big snow on Saturday. We were all snowed in here, mom too. And because Mom and Dad live so far out, they couldn't make it home, so they came back here to stay for a little over a week. It was crazy, but a good crazy. Kids were running, dogs were barking, and Dad had Mom and I busy tending to him. Physcial therapy came to the house and all was well. I did miss Brian, but I was so happy to at least have Mom here with me to put out the things from Santa. That would have been far too sad for me to do alone. My father-in-law took the kids shopping a few days before Christmas to shop for gifts for me. They were so excited. This was a tradition started by my FIL when Brian was a child. Every Christmas Eve my FIL would take all of the kids shopping for my MIL's gifts. Brian shared this tradition with our children. And while it wasn't Christmas Eve that they went shopping, I think it did my FIL and the girls good to get out and be together. Christmas Eve used to be my one morning to sleep in and get last minute things together while the kids were away. I'm really glad my FIL offered to take them. I was going to ask him if he was interested, but he beat me too it. I know my mother would have taken the girls, but it just meant more to all of us to have my FIL take them.

As for Christmas morning, Dad was able to come down to watch the "show". The girls loved all of their gifts. Though Taylor said she wanted a real drum set. NOT! Just after seeing all that Santa had brought, my MIL and FIL came with groceries to make breakfast. It was a nice relaxing morning. There was more gift opening and a delicious breakfast. Mom got me a beautiful windchime set with Brian's name engraved on them. It has a beautiful poem that of course I cried while reading it. Dad got me a pendant for my necklace with a mom holding three girls. First, my father never buys our gifts. Second, he cried when he gave it to me saying that it was his four girls. And lastly, I had asked Brian for the exact pendant for the past two Christmas'. Ironic isn't it?

The rest of the day the kids played and we all computed on the three laptops. Mom had bought a honey ham and some vegetables for dinner. We threw a quick dinner together in 15 minutes. We warmed up some corn, green beans and made mashed potatoes from flakes. lol. We were tired and it suited us all well. It was my family: my mom and dad and my girls. Still hard to believe that Brian was just with us last year. I've been sleeping on the Marriott pillows I bought for him last year. Brian was right, they are nice.

So we made it through. New Year's, well that's another story. To be honest, I dreaded New Year's more than Christmas. In the past, my parents take the girls for the night and have thier own party with sparkling cider and sparklers, while Brian and I went out. I had no plans this year. I had been invited to various places but didn't feel comfortable doing couple things. Jay stood me up, go figure, but I didn't let that stop me from having a good time. My friend Becky from high school had invited me out to Fredericksburg with her husband and a group of friends. Of course all couples, but me and this one guy they were trying to hook me up with. AHH! But I told myself I would not stay home alone. I was going out if it killed me. I knew the girls would be with the girls and the boys would be bonding, so I was ok with this group. I new 50% of the people, so I was comfortable. We went to a great dinner and then bar hopped for the remainder of the night, stopping to watch the pineapple drop at midnight. Yes, I said pineapple. lol. Still I had no one to kiss, but Becky. :) My bestest friend of 22 years. After several drinks I did begin to flirt with the new guy, Luke. Did I mention the room situation at the hotel? Well after making sucha last minute decision, what did I expect. There was only one room left in the entire hotel and of course, it had but one king size bed. I was assured by Becky that Luke could sleep on the pullout sofa. See where this is going? By 2am we all headed back to Bek's room and hung out for another hour. By now I'm a little drunk, but can remember most things. What happened next, I remember. Luke and I went back to our room. I got my bag and pj's and went to the bathroom. I was able to take out my contacts, a good indicator that I'm not too drunk, and get my flannel pj bottoms and tank top on. I walk out and guess who is laying in the bed watching Sports Center. What was I supposed to do? I thought, Ok this is a king size bed, we are adults here. Well, somehow we were spooning and the rest is up to your imagination. I do have to say that the cuddling was by far the BEST part. Next morning was a little awkward, but he was a gentleman. I don't do one night stands. I have never ever done such things. Honestly, he was the second, yes you read that correctly, second man I have ever been with. Luckily he doesn't know that, but I digress. He's been texting me daily. It won't go into anything serious, but it's nice to have the attention.

So here is where I made my New Year's resolution. I was in such a good mood for the next four days. I'm not sure if it was Luke or my new med's kicking in or both. I told myself that I was going to stop feeling lonely and do something about it. No this does not mean that I am going to sleep with the entire world. I just meant that I am going to socialize, I am going to flirt, and I am not going to sit at home and wonder. I am 35 years young. Yes I said it. I am going to relive my 20's as an unmarried woman. I get a do-over. I get to see what I missed out on. Yes, I miss Brian with every fiber of my being, but he also wouldn't want me miserable. Hell, I wouldn't want him miserable. He will always be with me in my head and in my heart. Thoughts of him run through my veins. I have visited him at the cemetery and had a discussion about all of this. (Yes I really am crazy.) Going to see him keeps me grounded on what is important. I need that.

This past week another friend invited me to watch football at her house with the girls. Another fix up. The guy was there but didn't realize I was single. We get to go for round two at the playoff game this weekend. lol. I also have a coffee date with another guy in two days. I'm just having fun, not making any commitments. Maybe I'll meet Mr. Right, but for now I'm hanging out with all of the Mr. Right Nows. I'm moving forward a little at a time. It's scary, but it beats the alternative of being alone and lonely. I know how dark that place is. My friends say they admire me. Not sure why. I know what I want and I will get it again. It may be different, but I've had a fabulous taste of happiness. For now, I'll take every little bit of happiness I can find...