He will not be erased...

Just when I thought I had a handle on things, life threw me a curveball today. I woke up feeling good. Showered, took the kids to school and headed off to my therapy session. I told Robin of all my boy stories, my troubles with my mother and all about Christmas and New Year's. I left there feeling great. She saw nothing wrong with me "dating" these men as long as I was careful. On the way home I was singing and dancing to the radio. Wayne and I then headed to the county office to get permits for the kitchen remodel. It only took 90 minutes. Again, all was good. Then I checked the mail. There at the bottom of the pile lay Brian's W-2. I suddenly got sick to my stomach. I slowly opened it up. My eyes began to water and tears ran down my cheeks as I read the numbers. How could something so silly upset me. It's the last tax form I've been waiting for. I can have my taxes done now. I should be excited because I'm getting money back. Nope. All I had were tears. It put me in such a funk for the rest of the day/night. After reading the form, I went upstairs to my bed and stared at Brian's picture. Was I sad because this made his death real? I can't figure it out.

To go along with this sadness, I think I sold the van today. The only problem is, I think I have to get the title transfered into my name before I can give the new owners the title. So now I have to go to DMV with Brian's death certificate and get a new title. I keep feeling like I'm erasing him from my life. His name won't be on the taxes after this year. His name will be removed from both titles of the cars. My new mortgage will only have my name on it. Erased. He is not a man that can be erased. He was my high school sweetheart. We followed each other to Virginia Tech. Our wedding reception had a moon bounce. We had three beautiful little girls that each have a part of him enstilled in them. He pushed me to finish my degree. I pushed him to take the job of his dreams. He was my best friend, my husband, and a wonderful father. He loved me like no other ever will. He gave me the moon and the stars. For my birthday in March he gave me one of the singing cards that played, "Just to See You Smile." I love that song. It's so true. He did everything and anything to make me and the girls happy. I was a lucky woman to have such a kind, loving man in my life. He will never be erased from my memory, my heart or my soul.

This is one game I'm not sure I want to be a part of.

Ok, let me tell you how happy I am that I didn't have to date as a teenager. This is much more difficult as an adult. I now know people hate the dating game. There are no set rules. What you do defines everything. One simple mistake and you break the deal. If you call to much, then you're clingy. If you don't call, it means you aren't interested. But it may actually be that the person is actually busy and doesn't have time to talk. Then there's the non-exclusive rule. You can be talking to a guy, but it's still ok to see other people. And apparently I just learned that you can't ask about the "date" he's been on, even if I don't care. Isn't that like asking how your night was? Ok, so I did judge just a little. My mistake. So now I'm told to back off by his friend. I didn't think I was smothering. Jesus.

So, now I sit and wait. In the meantime, I have asked him and his friend to redo my bathrooms. I'm thinking it may be a bad idea right now. How do I get out of this? Maybe it will all work itself out. I'm me. I'm nosey. It's who I am. I'm just guessing he is not the one who can handle me. I'm outspoken. I haven't always been. But I had a fabulous husband, father and best friend. I'd give anything to have him back. ANYTHING! But the reality is, he won't. So here I sit with no husband, no father for my children and no best friend. I want that again. I know what I want and I guess that is what I am looking for whether I know it or not. I tell myself I'm looking for fun and sex, but in reality I'm hoping that fun and sex leads to more. And how can I expect someone to come into this life of mine and take over? I can't. It's way too overwhelming. Three kids, a widow and this life. lol.

This is a game I want no part of... Why can't life be more simple? Black and white. Yes and no. Off or on.

A little bit of happiness...

The girls and I made it through the holidays. It was definately different, but in a good way. Sometimes, I do think that things happen for a reason. Dad had his knee surgery before the big snow on Saturday. We were all snowed in here, mom too. And because Mom and Dad live so far out, they couldn't make it home, so they came back here to stay for a little over a week. It was crazy, but a good crazy. Kids were running, dogs were barking, and Dad had Mom and I busy tending to him. Physcial therapy came to the house and all was well. I did miss Brian, but I was so happy to at least have Mom here with me to put out the things from Santa. That would have been far too sad for me to do alone. My father-in-law took the kids shopping a few days before Christmas to shop for gifts for me. They were so excited. This was a tradition started by my FIL when Brian was a child. Every Christmas Eve my FIL would take all of the kids shopping for my MIL's gifts. Brian shared this tradition with our children. And while it wasn't Christmas Eve that they went shopping, I think it did my FIL and the girls good to get out and be together. Christmas Eve used to be my one morning to sleep in and get last minute things together while the kids were away. I'm really glad my FIL offered to take them. I was going to ask him if he was interested, but he beat me too it. I know my mother would have taken the girls, but it just meant more to all of us to have my FIL take them.

As for Christmas morning, Dad was able to come down to watch the "show". The girls loved all of their gifts. Though Taylor said she wanted a real drum set. NOT! Just after seeing all that Santa had brought, my MIL and FIL came with groceries to make breakfast. It was a nice relaxing morning. There was more gift opening and a delicious breakfast. Mom got me a beautiful windchime set with Brian's name engraved on them. It has a beautiful poem that of course I cried while reading it. Dad got me a pendant for my necklace with a mom holding three girls. First, my father never buys our gifts. Second, he cried when he gave it to me saying that it was his four girls. And lastly, I had asked Brian for the exact pendant for the past two Christmas'. Ironic isn't it?

The rest of the day the kids played and we all computed on the three laptops. Mom had bought a honey ham and some vegetables for dinner. We threw a quick dinner together in 15 minutes. We warmed up some corn, green beans and made mashed potatoes from flakes. lol. We were tired and it suited us all well. It was my family: my mom and dad and my girls. Still hard to believe that Brian was just with us last year. I've been sleeping on the Marriott pillows I bought for him last year. Brian was right, they are nice.

So we made it through. New Year's, well that's another story. To be honest, I dreaded New Year's more than Christmas. In the past, my parents take the girls for the night and have thier own party with sparkling cider and sparklers, while Brian and I went out. I had no plans this year. I had been invited to various places but didn't feel comfortable doing couple things. Jay stood me up, go figure, but I didn't let that stop me from having a good time. My friend Becky from high school had invited me out to Fredericksburg with her husband and a group of friends. Of course all couples, but me and this one guy they were trying to hook me up with. AHH! But I told myself I would not stay home alone. I was going out if it killed me. I knew the girls would be with the girls and the boys would be bonding, so I was ok with this group. I new 50% of the people, so I was comfortable. We went to a great dinner and then bar hopped for the remainder of the night, stopping to watch the pineapple drop at midnight. Yes, I said pineapple. lol. Still I had no one to kiss, but Becky. :) My bestest friend of 22 years. After several drinks I did begin to flirt with the new guy, Luke. Did I mention the room situation at the hotel? Well after making sucha last minute decision, what did I expect. There was only one room left in the entire hotel and of course, it had but one king size bed. I was assured by Becky that Luke could sleep on the pullout sofa. See where this is going? By 2am we all headed back to Bek's room and hung out for another hour. By now I'm a little drunk, but can remember most things. What happened next, I remember. Luke and I went back to our room. I got my bag and pj's and went to the bathroom. I was able to take out my contacts, a good indicator that I'm not too drunk, and get my flannel pj bottoms and tank top on. I walk out and guess who is laying in the bed watching Sports Center. What was I supposed to do? I thought, Ok this is a king size bed, we are adults here. Well, somehow we were spooning and the rest is up to your imagination. I do have to say that the cuddling was by far the BEST part. Next morning was a little awkward, but he was a gentleman. I don't do one night stands. I have never ever done such things. Honestly, he was the second, yes you read that correctly, second man I have ever been with. Luckily he doesn't know that, but I digress. He's been texting me daily. It won't go into anything serious, but it's nice to have the attention.

So here is where I made my New Year's resolution. I was in such a good mood for the next four days. I'm not sure if it was Luke or my new med's kicking in or both. I told myself that I was going to stop feeling lonely and do something about it. No this does not mean that I am going to sleep with the entire world. I just meant that I am going to socialize, I am going to flirt, and I am not going to sit at home and wonder. I am 35 years young. Yes I said it. I am going to relive my 20's as an unmarried woman. I get a do-over. I get to see what I missed out on. Yes, I miss Brian with every fiber of my being, but he also wouldn't want me miserable. Hell, I wouldn't want him miserable. He will always be with me in my head and in my heart. Thoughts of him run through my veins. I have visited him at the cemetery and had a discussion about all of this. (Yes I really am crazy.) Going to see him keeps me grounded on what is important. I need that.

This past week another friend invited me to watch football at her house with the girls. Another fix up. The guy was there but didn't realize I was single. We get to go for round two at the playoff game this weekend. lol. I also have a coffee date with another guy in two days. I'm just having fun, not making any commitments. Maybe I'll meet Mr. Right, but for now I'm hanging out with all of the Mr. Right Nows. I'm moving forward a little at a time. It's scary, but it beats the alternative of being alone and lonely. I know how dark that place is. My friends say they admire me. Not sure why. I know what I want and I will get it again. It may be different, but I've had a fabulous taste of happiness. For now, I'll take every little bit of happiness I can find...

People are making me crazy.

I'm a 35 year old woman with a house, two cars and three children. Now, I didn't get here alone, but I am left here to fend for myself. So that being said, shouldn't I be capable of making my own decisions? I'm so tired of people telling me to be careful of my finances. I know money isn't everything, but it's Christmas and I like to give. Not to mention, why can't I have my new kitchen? Don't I get something that will make me happy out of all this? "This" sucks.

Brian's office is apparently collecting money for Christmas gifts for the girls. I hate being the charity case. They don't need anything. NOTHING! I've bought far too much already. I'm trying to purge, not collect more stuff. I went through everything that I have purchased for the kids and realized I've already overdone it. I know that no one thing will bring their father back, but I can try to bring them joy in other ways. I just don't want handouts. If they insist on giving money, then by all means please put it in their college fund.

Madison and Taylor went under the house to get all of the Christmas stuff out off the crawl space. They did it all by themselves. Ok, so I lugged it upstairs, but they were two determined little beings. Morgan came home later to help decorate it. The whole experience wasn't so bad. I thought it would be horrible, but it wasn't. I put up several of Brian's ornaments from his childhood. The kids decorated it the way they wanted. We have colored, non-blinking lights. It's what they wanted. We put up a lighted wreath and trees outside. That's about all the decorating I'm doing. The kids put the little elves up around the living room.

I'm finding that it is shopping that is giving me more anxiety than anything. I went to the grocery store the other day and felt short of breath and fuzzy. I chalked it up to low blood sugar. Then yesterday I went to Kohl's and saw all of the men's things and began to think of Brian. The girls always picked out character pajama bottoms from there. I got short of breath again and felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I took deep breaths as I walked down the aisles. Then I found a book called, "I Know My Daddy Loves Me." Of course I had to read it. So, then I cried. I got my stuff and got out of there. I then had a bright idea to go to Target to pick up a few things. It only got worse there. I had breakfast, so it wasn't the blood sugar. What do I do? This is making shopping not fun at all. Not that it has been. I'm going for my follow up with my new medication next week. I'll let him know. Meanwhile I get to go to his family's Christmas party this weekend. I told his mother that we needed to put a sign on the door that said, "We are all ok, please don't ask." Think it would work? I doubt it too.

I'll wrap this up with a conversation with my youngest daughter last night as we were putting up the tree.

T: Mommy, do you think you'll get remarried?
Me: Yes.
T: Well, when?
Me: When I find someone special again.
T: Why don't you go to www.whynotdateme.com

Out of the mouths of babes.

On a high for the week.

Well, my director agreed to withdraw me from my social studies class. It won't even show up on my transcript. I will take it next fall and student teach in the spring of 2011. I have a plan. I walked out of there feeling like the weight of the world was off of my shoulders. I've been in such a good mood ever since. Now, my mother isn't very happy, but then again when is she ever happy? She's worried about money and insurance. Blah, blah, blah. I'll just sub more to get more $$. I really should have kept my old job, but hindsight is 20/20. Who knew that I would need more time with school?

Things are coming along. Mom and Dad are spending the night on Christmas Eve, so the girls and I won't be alone for Christmas morning. I plan on ordering a turkey for Christmas from Wegmans. I don't feel like cooking. It's all I can do to think about putting up a tree. Ugh. The girls decorated a small tree to put on Brian's grave. We will take it there next Sunday on our way to Mom and Dads.

A friend of mine is helping me plan for a new kitchen. I'm sure Mom will LOVE this. Oh well, we will be fine on money. I'm sure of it. I keep thinking that I'll get it back when I sell the house. I may even like the house a little better. I really like the new layout. I hope it works out. I'm living for today, not for tomorrow. You just never know...

As for Pat, we had a great talk last night. We are just friends, but it's nice he confides in me and vice versa. He reminds me a lot of Brian. Chad came over the other night to check on us. He stayed for like 5 hours on Friday night. I'm hoping Lisa wasn't too mad. It was so nice to see the kids laughing and wrestling with him. It was like Brian was in the air. There was a feel of family. He played Rock Band with the girls and we even judged the kids playing, "So you think you can dance." It was hilarious. It was a wonderful night.

Morgan is going back to counseling tonight. I'm hoping to set up a standing appt. so that this stomach thing can come to a close. I don't know what else to do.

Well, the dinner bell is ringing. I must feed the little children. :)

Slap in the face

I have read several books on grieving: ones for children and for widows. Not one mentioned that month 6/7 would be the worst yet. I've totally lost it. I spent the entire time at the grief counselors crying. Then I came home to cry for another hour. I skipped class that night. I just couldn't be with people. I kept the babysitter and went to see the The Blind Side instead. Good movie. Robin, my counselor, suggested a few things to help me out in life.

1. Go to Mom's for Christmas so I don't have to be here.
2. Tell professors I need to slow down.

My kids nixed the Christmas at Mom's. They want it here. I can't blame them a bit, but it would make my life easier. For once, it's not all about me. So Christmas will be here in their home. I was able to get a majority of the kids Christmas presents on Black Friday. I just need to pick up little things here and there. It's my parents and others I need to get. Not sure what to do for all of them.

As for school, I spoke with my social studies professor last night and I think I'm going to drop her class. I'll finish up the math class, but I'm so far behind in SS that there is no way I will catch up. I go to talk to the director tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it all. I just have to go slower. One class at a time. I have a plan. Let's just hope the director agrees. It may be Spring of 2011 before I graduate, but I'll get there.

I think we should all write our own books. I know everyone's jouney is different, but we learn so much along the way. I'd give anything to wake up next to Brian again. I often wonder if I will ever get there again. Remember Pat, the guy I said I wasn't interested in? Well, I honestly don't think I am. But I must like the idea of his individual attention. He had told me before the engagement party not to let him know if I did hook up with anyone. I explained that wasn't fair and he responded with, I want my cake and eat it too. So, I guess that is my issue too. I got all hyped up when he called on Black Friday, even though he knew I was shopping with my aunts and cousins. He said he was checking up on me. Well that same night he texts me and answers that he is watching tv. I asked with who and he responded with a friend from work. I then told him he shouldn't be texting me then. The next night I made the mistake of asking him if this person was a boy or girl. It was a girl. I figured. He asked if I was mad. I said no, but asked how he'd feel if the tables were turned. He said he'd be jealous but happy for me. I told him I was, but in reality I wasn't. Then it dawned on me why I was so angry, he will hang out with her and won't even hang out with me as a friend. I let him know. All he could say is sorry. So now, I've let him text me first. He has been every night. I refuse to ask about the girl. He wouldn't kiss and tell anyway. Not sure what is going on here. Guess I thought he'd be the one who's chest I could lay on and have it mean nothing. So much for that. I know it's a lot to ask of a guy. Not to mention the train of baggage I bring along.

Thanksgiving went well. Judy and Joe weren't themselves, but it was nice. Mom and Dad came to support me. All of his family was there. The kids had great time playing. We get to do it all again on the 12th for the annual Christmas party. I'm not sure how they are still putting it on. It's not like Brian was the star of the party, but things just aren't the same there. The kids and Judy are going to decorate a small tree to put up for Brian at the cemetery. I can't even stand the sound of Christmas music. I am so anti-Christmas that it's not funny. I'm trying to keep it to myself for the kids, but not sure if I can make it the 24 days without losing it.

I'm not subbing anymore until after break. I need to get this house in order. It's a disaster. And even if I'm not subbing, my days seem to fill up so fast. I have two assignments left in Math and I'll be done. I'll be so glad come Dec. 17th.

I've either been up really late or sleeping all day. I can't get regulated. I was up till 4:30am on Sunday night, but then came home to take a 3 hour nap. There is no time for naps between now and Sunday. I look forward to them too. It's the only place I can go and forget the rest of this life. Guess I should head there now. A day of leisure is now full of three different meetings and basketball practice. Good nite all.

Feeling blue

I'd like to know how one can visit "The Happiest Place on Earth" and not feel so happy. We just got back from Disney World with my mom, aunts and cousins. I'm not sure if was the amount of people in our group or the grief, but I just didn't have the magical feeling. Yes, I had fun, but not super fun. I LOVE Disney. It just wasn't the same this time. Nothing to get psyched over. I feel like all of my funness (is that a word?) was taken when Brian died. We did have a good time though. The kids were the priority. I have to thank my mother for the distraction from Halloween at home. Halloween was a bigger holiday for our family than Thanksgiving. We would always have people over to a pumpkin carving night. It was a big toodoo. But now, those days are gone. The kids started talking about Christmas today. I explained that it would be different this year. They asked questions about who would put up the tree, etc. It was always something Brian and the kids did. They helped him assemble the fake tree. I hate change.

Brian's mother has invited us to Thanksgiving dinner, along with my parents. I'm wondering if my mother would go, for me. My MIL invited my parents too. It would help me alot in making a decision of whose house to go to. I know they will always be in my life, but I would really like to be with my family. Can I have it all? These are the decisions I will have to make. Forever...

So after I made my last post, the following day I get another drunk text from J asking for, well, you know. I asked him if he could still give me what I wanted. He said yes for that night, but not sure on any other night. I told him to take a hike. Ok, so if I would have had a sitter, I would have been in the car in a heartbeat, but I didn't. I texted him on Halloween wishing him a good one. He responded, so I guess he's not too upset. At least I'm angry at him now. The anger makes me think twice. Meanwhile another friend, P, that I have been in contact with thought I wanted something more. I explained I didn't, but just like having a guy to talk to. He's divorced with a three year old. It's not quite the same, but similar. We listen to each other rant about things. It's nice. I have no attraction to him what-so-ever. He's just a nice guy.

The girls and I are going to a Hopice "reunion" from the kids summer camp this weekend. I get to meet other parents too. Not sure how I feel about that, but it's only 2 hours. I can do it. The kids are excited to see thier camper friends. I'm glad they made the best of the situation.

I have so much paperwork to go through. I'm a little behind in it. I feel like I'm drowning. I can't even tread water at this point. I just want to put my head in the sand and pretend the world doesn't exist. My bed being the sand. lol. Speaking of, I'd better call it a night.