People are making me crazy.

I'm a 35 year old woman with a house, two cars and three children. Now, I didn't get here alone, but I am left here to fend for myself. So that being said, shouldn't I be capable of making my own decisions? I'm so tired of people telling me to be careful of my finances. I know money isn't everything, but it's Christmas and I like to give. Not to mention, why can't I have my new kitchen? Don't I get something that will make me happy out of all this? "This" sucks.

Brian's office is apparently collecting money for Christmas gifts for the girls. I hate being the charity case. They don't need anything. NOTHING! I've bought far too much already. I'm trying to purge, not collect more stuff. I went through everything that I have purchased for the kids and realized I've already overdone it. I know that no one thing will bring their father back, but I can try to bring them joy in other ways. I just don't want handouts. If they insist on giving money, then by all means please put it in their college fund.

Madison and Taylor went under the house to get all of the Christmas stuff out off the crawl space. They did it all by themselves. Ok, so I lugged it upstairs, but they were two determined little beings. Morgan came home later to help decorate it. The whole experience wasn't so bad. I thought it would be horrible, but it wasn't. I put up several of Brian's ornaments from his childhood. The kids decorated it the way they wanted. We have colored, non-blinking lights. It's what they wanted. We put up a lighted wreath and trees outside. That's about all the decorating I'm doing. The kids put the little elves up around the living room.

I'm finding that it is shopping that is giving me more anxiety than anything. I went to the grocery store the other day and felt short of breath and fuzzy. I chalked it up to low blood sugar. Then yesterday I went to Kohl's and saw all of the men's things and began to think of Brian. The girls always picked out character pajama bottoms from there. I got short of breath again and felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I took deep breaths as I walked down the aisles. Then I found a book called, "I Know My Daddy Loves Me." Of course I had to read it. So, then I cried. I got my stuff and got out of there. I then had a bright idea to go to Target to pick up a few things. It only got worse there. I had breakfast, so it wasn't the blood sugar. What do I do? This is making shopping not fun at all. Not that it has been. I'm going for my follow up with my new medication next week. I'll let him know. Meanwhile I get to go to his family's Christmas party this weekend. I told his mother that we needed to put a sign on the door that said, "We are all ok, please don't ask." Think it would work? I doubt it too.

I'll wrap this up with a conversation with my youngest daughter last night as we were putting up the tree.

T: Mommy, do you think you'll get remarried?
Me: Yes.
T: Well, when?
Me: When I find someone special again.
T: Why don't you go to www.whynotdateme.com

Out of the mouths of babes.

On a high for the week.

Well, my director agreed to withdraw me from my social studies class. It won't even show up on my transcript. I will take it next fall and student teach in the spring of 2011. I have a plan. I walked out of there feeling like the weight of the world was off of my shoulders. I've been in such a good mood ever since. Now, my mother isn't very happy, but then again when is she ever happy? She's worried about money and insurance. Blah, blah, blah. I'll just sub more to get more $$. I really should have kept my old job, but hindsight is 20/20. Who knew that I would need more time with school?

Things are coming along. Mom and Dad are spending the night on Christmas Eve, so the girls and I won't be alone for Christmas morning. I plan on ordering a turkey for Christmas from Wegmans. I don't feel like cooking. It's all I can do to think about putting up a tree. Ugh. The girls decorated a small tree to put on Brian's grave. We will take it there next Sunday on our way to Mom and Dads.

A friend of mine is helping me plan for a new kitchen. I'm sure Mom will LOVE this. Oh well, we will be fine on money. I'm sure of it. I keep thinking that I'll get it back when I sell the house. I may even like the house a little better. I really like the new layout. I hope it works out. I'm living for today, not for tomorrow. You just never know...

As for Pat, we had a great talk last night. We are just friends, but it's nice he confides in me and vice versa. He reminds me a lot of Brian. Chad came over the other night to check on us. He stayed for like 5 hours on Friday night. I'm hoping Lisa wasn't too mad. It was so nice to see the kids laughing and wrestling with him. It was like Brian was in the air. There was a feel of family. He played Rock Band with the girls and we even judged the kids playing, "So you think you can dance." It was hilarious. It was a wonderful night.

Morgan is going back to counseling tonight. I'm hoping to set up a standing appt. so that this stomach thing can come to a close. I don't know what else to do.

Well, the dinner bell is ringing. I must feed the little children. :)

Slap in the face

I have read several books on grieving: ones for children and for widows. Not one mentioned that month 6/7 would be the worst yet. I've totally lost it. I spent the entire time at the grief counselors crying. Then I came home to cry for another hour. I skipped class that night. I just couldn't be with people. I kept the babysitter and went to see the The Blind Side instead. Good movie. Robin, my counselor, suggested a few things to help me out in life.

1. Go to Mom's for Christmas so I don't have to be here.
2. Tell professors I need to slow down.

My kids nixed the Christmas at Mom's. They want it here. I can't blame them a bit, but it would make my life easier. For once, it's not all about me. So Christmas will be here in their home. I was able to get a majority of the kids Christmas presents on Black Friday. I just need to pick up little things here and there. It's my parents and others I need to get. Not sure what to do for all of them.

As for school, I spoke with my social studies professor last night and I think I'm going to drop her class. I'll finish up the math class, but I'm so far behind in SS that there is no way I will catch up. I go to talk to the director tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it all. I just have to go slower. One class at a time. I have a plan. Let's just hope the director agrees. It may be Spring of 2011 before I graduate, but I'll get there.

I think we should all write our own books. I know everyone's jouney is different, but we learn so much along the way. I'd give anything to wake up next to Brian again. I often wonder if I will ever get there again. Remember Pat, the guy I said I wasn't interested in? Well, I honestly don't think I am. But I must like the idea of his individual attention. He had told me before the engagement party not to let him know if I did hook up with anyone. I explained that wasn't fair and he responded with, I want my cake and eat it too. So, I guess that is my issue too. I got all hyped up when he called on Black Friday, even though he knew I was shopping with my aunts and cousins. He said he was checking up on me. Well that same night he texts me and answers that he is watching tv. I asked with who and he responded with a friend from work. I then told him he shouldn't be texting me then. The next night I made the mistake of asking him if this person was a boy or girl. It was a girl. I figured. He asked if I was mad. I said no, but asked how he'd feel if the tables were turned. He said he'd be jealous but happy for me. I told him I was, but in reality I wasn't. Then it dawned on me why I was so angry, he will hang out with her and won't even hang out with me as a friend. I let him know. All he could say is sorry. So now, I've let him text me first. He has been every night. I refuse to ask about the girl. He wouldn't kiss and tell anyway. Not sure what is going on here. Guess I thought he'd be the one who's chest I could lay on and have it mean nothing. So much for that. I know it's a lot to ask of a guy. Not to mention the train of baggage I bring along.

Thanksgiving went well. Judy and Joe weren't themselves, but it was nice. Mom and Dad came to support me. All of his family was there. The kids had great time playing. We get to do it all again on the 12th for the annual Christmas party. I'm not sure how they are still putting it on. It's not like Brian was the star of the party, but things just aren't the same there. The kids and Judy are going to decorate a small tree to put up for Brian at the cemetery. I can't even stand the sound of Christmas music. I am so anti-Christmas that it's not funny. I'm trying to keep it to myself for the kids, but not sure if I can make it the 24 days without losing it.

I'm not subbing anymore until after break. I need to get this house in order. It's a disaster. And even if I'm not subbing, my days seem to fill up so fast. I have two assignments left in Math and I'll be done. I'll be so glad come Dec. 17th.

I've either been up really late or sleeping all day. I can't get regulated. I was up till 4:30am on Sunday night, but then came home to take a 3 hour nap. There is no time for naps between now and Sunday. I look forward to them too. It's the only place I can go and forget the rest of this life. Guess I should head there now. A day of leisure is now full of three different meetings and basketball practice. Good nite all.

Feeling blue

I'd like to know how one can visit "The Happiest Place on Earth" and not feel so happy. We just got back from Disney World with my mom, aunts and cousins. I'm not sure if was the amount of people in our group or the grief, but I just didn't have the magical feeling. Yes, I had fun, but not super fun. I LOVE Disney. It just wasn't the same this time. Nothing to get psyched over. I feel like all of my funness (is that a word?) was taken when Brian died. We did have a good time though. The kids were the priority. I have to thank my mother for the distraction from Halloween at home. Halloween was a bigger holiday for our family than Thanksgiving. We would always have people over to a pumpkin carving night. It was a big toodoo. But now, those days are gone. The kids started talking about Christmas today. I explained that it would be different this year. They asked questions about who would put up the tree, etc. It was always something Brian and the kids did. They helped him assemble the fake tree. I hate change.

Brian's mother has invited us to Thanksgiving dinner, along with my parents. I'm wondering if my mother would go, for me. My MIL invited my parents too. It would help me alot in making a decision of whose house to go to. I know they will always be in my life, but I would really like to be with my family. Can I have it all? These are the decisions I will have to make. Forever...

So after I made my last post, the following day I get another drunk text from J asking for, well, you know. I asked him if he could still give me what I wanted. He said yes for that night, but not sure on any other night. I told him to take a hike. Ok, so if I would have had a sitter, I would have been in the car in a heartbeat, but I didn't. I texted him on Halloween wishing him a good one. He responded, so I guess he's not too upset. At least I'm angry at him now. The anger makes me think twice. Meanwhile another friend, P, that I have been in contact with thought I wanted something more. I explained I didn't, but just like having a guy to talk to. He's divorced with a three year old. It's not quite the same, but similar. We listen to each other rant about things. It's nice. I have no attraction to him what-so-ever. He's just a nice guy.

The girls and I are going to a Hopice "reunion" from the kids summer camp this weekend. I get to meet other parents too. Not sure how I feel about that, but it's only 2 hours. I can do it. The kids are excited to see thier camper friends. I'm glad they made the best of the situation.

I have so much paperwork to go through. I'm a little behind in it. I feel like I'm drowning. I can't even tread water at this point. I just want to put my head in the sand and pretend the world doesn't exist. My bed being the sand. lol. Speaking of, I'd better call it a night.

Been on a Bumpy Ride

I am ten days short of six months without Brian. Since school started, I have been having a very difficult time. It hasn't been one thing in particular. It has been a combination of EVERYTHING. I enjoyed my long term sub position but was ready to be done when my time was up. That on top of grad school and the kids put me over the edge. I put off all grad work until the sub position was over, Oct. 1. And here it is Oct. 17 and I'm still behind. I got kicked out of my endorsement class and absolutely HAVE to have it to student teach in the spring. I freaked at first, but have come to deal with the reality. So, I don't graduate in the Spring. I wait till fall. So what? I still finish, right? My mother is unaware of this. She is going to freak out. I set up a meeting with the director of the program for Monday. We shall see what she says my options are. I know that I cannot take on anymore at the moment. I find it very difficult to concentrate on anything. I can read a chapter and not remember a damn thing. Hence the drop out of the endorsement class. Ugh.

All I want to do, and all I seem to be doing, is lie in bed. I get the kids off to school and climb back in bed. I'm guessing it doesn't help I'm up so late like tonight. Today I slept until 2pm, got up, showered, did the dishes and then went to get the girls from school. Honestly, I want to drop the kids off at my mother's for a week and stay in bed. I would hope that after a week I would get sick of it and snap out of this funk. I am far worse than I was in the beginning. People said this would happen. I thought I was doing so well. I see it happening before my eyes, yet I can't do anything to stop it. I know the difference between right and wrong and what I am doing is wrong. Tonight was the first, maybe second, night I cooked dinner since he's been gone and ate as a family. Six months people.

Brian was my best friend. He was the one I would be talking to now about all of this. But he's not here. My best friend is gone. To read it makes it so real. I miss him. I miss his voice, his eyes, his touch, and him being a daddy. I get very little break. I want that time at 6pm when he used to walk in and take over. I don't get that anymore. The girls, they miss him so. Poor Morgan has been taking over. Sad, but true. God love her. She has been helping out in the kitchen at breakfast and lunch. I try to tell her how much I appreciate all she does. She starts counseling again on Monday. I'm hoping it helps her stomach issues. They were ok for a bit until school started. I'm guessing the stress of school triggered it again.

I myself have felt ill lately. I had finally written the old boyfriend off and then I get the call. You know the drunk dialer. He said everything I had so wanted to hear. EVERYTHING. He explained to me why he had waited and asked if I was glad. I am, I know I'm not ready. He promised me the moon, stars and the sun and reneged the next day. I'm guessing the alcohol gave him the courage to say the truth and then that scared him. I was sick all weekend. Not sure if it was Jay or a stomach bug. I'm thinking a little of both, since I have been feeling nauseous every time he comes up in thought or conversation. We did talk last night and agreed to be "friends." I'll take it. I'm not sure I'm really ready for anything more anyway. He says he's used to doing things whenever and wherever without checking in with someone and he's still wants to play the field. Whatever field that is. We are 35 people. lol. I asked him what he thought it was I really wanted from the relationship. Then I laid it all out there. I said I wanted to lie with a man with my head on his chest while watching TV. I asked if he could give me that, because THAT is what I want. He ignored the question and we have moved on. I just can't let things go. I bring up past conversations and probably say too much. This dating thing, whenever I get there, is going to suck. I'm too straight forward now. Brian didn't play games. Say what you want. Bottom line. So, now I do.

Anyway, I have started seeing a grief counselor. She is awesome. I'm hoping to go back next week. She makes me feel normal. Whatever that is.

I've officially been up for 12 hours and it's 2am. Guess I should go to bed. Tomorrow we have the school funfair and the movies with my cousin. I'll be putting on the brave face for the funfair. I'll be getting all of "the looks" that I dread. You know, the ones that say, "Oh her husband is dead, she must be a mess." Yes, yes I am.

The Dance

"The Dance" starring Brian and Toni

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance


Brian and I were like two dancers moving in sync with the music. We knew who was going left and who was going right. Sometimes he led and I followed and sometimes I led and he followed. We just were. At parties we could be together, yet apart. We knew each others thoughts and movements. It is so hard to be at parties with a bunch of couples. I'm always the third wheel. I envy those that share a kiss in the corner. I cringe when I see families laughing from a far. Why isn't that me? Why can't I have that? What did I do to deserve to be alone? We were perfect. When I see couples fighting over stupid stuff at parties I just want to shake them and tell them to get over it and love one another. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Though six months ago, if someone would have told me the same, I would have shrugged them off.

Nothing is forever and we need to treat each day as if it were our last. On my birthday we all went out to dinner. As we walked to the ice cream shop we passed by several little shops with cute displays in the windows. As I was ordering our ice cream, Brian said he would be right back. He didn't want anything. He returned with a big bag. I asked him what it was and he told me it was a birthday present. Being sentemental, I didn't want to open it until I got home. It turns out that he bought me a wooden sign that said, "Always Kiss Me Goodnight." I LOVED it. It is so true. I didn't like going to bed fighting. There were many a nights that we were up until all hours talking until all was well. Making up was much more fun than fighting.

I'm not sure what I will do without my dancing partner. For now I will dance. This is what I believe Brian is telling me to do:

I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..

For now I chose to dance. Sometimes fast and sometimes slow, but I will keep on dancing.

Moving forward, but dragging my feet.

Brian's boss sent me an email yesterday stating that Sept. 1, 2009 would have been Brian's 6th year anniversary at AmCad. The place he loved going to everyday was the place that helped take his life. Ok, so that is just my opinion, but I feel the stress from his job contributed to his untimely death. I know that heredity, diet and other things contributed as well, but still. They stole his sole and took advantage of a very good man. He never said no. He made whatever they wanted work.

I miss talking to him. After class yesterday I wanted to call him on my way home. I miss the hugs and kisses. I miss hearing his voice. What happens if I forget his voice? I know I have videos of the girls and him, but I'm not ready to watch them yet.

This semester I have a full load. How am I ever going to get through this without him. I depended on him for so many things. He got me through so many projects and papers. He always knew how to talk me down from one of my anxiety attacks. Brian would proof read my assignments and give me feedback. He would keep the girls while I attended classes. He would make dinner and put them to bed. Oh how I miss him. I know that I have to finish this program in order to support my family, but I was hoping to do so with Brian by my side. I wanted him to be in my graduation picture.

I find myself, purposefully, not looking at pictures of him. I'm not sure if it is too painful or if I like to pretend he is still away. I want to get new pictures of the girls together. I was going to do it for his birthday, but his time ran out. I thought of having the 4 of us done, but that is so permanent. Us, without him.

Taylor has been giving me a really hard time lately. Her temper tantrums are coming more often. Over the weekend I had to drag her out of Costco screaming. I had told her that she couldn't have a lava lamp and she threw a fit. I had her sisters put the Halloween costume back. She didn't deserve anything for that behavior. That is when she hit me with her cast. When I grabbed her she proceeded to bite me on my arm. I still have the bruise. With that I left my mother to pay for our items and took Taylor to the van. What on earth do I do with her? Is it grief, age, or anger? Is she just testing me? I'm so done with this. I'm hoping when school starts that she will get better. Maybe we all need a little structure in our lives. I have enjoyed spending the summer with the girls, but we all need to get back to reality. Even if it does suck!

We are all moving forward into these uncharted waters. Together we can do it. For better and for worse.