I'm a 35 year old woman with a house, two cars and three children. Now, I didn't get here alone, but I am left here to fend for myself. So that being said, shouldn't I be capable of making my own decisions? I'm so tired of people telling me to be careful of my finances. I know money isn't everything, but it's Christmas and I like to give. Not to mention, why can't I have my new kitchen? Don't I get something that will make me happy out of all this? "This" sucks.
Brian's office is apparently collecting money for Christmas gifts for the girls. I hate being the charity case. They don't need anything. NOTHING! I've bought far too much already. I'm trying to purge, not collect more stuff. I went through everything that I have purchased for the kids and realized I've already overdone it. I know that no one thing will bring their father back, but I can try to bring them joy in other ways. I just don't want handouts. If they insist on giving money, then by all means please put it in their college fund.
Madison and Taylor went under the house to get all of the Christmas stuff out off the crawl space. They did it all by themselves. Ok, so I lugged it upstairs, but they were two determined little beings. Morgan came home later to help decorate it. The whole experience wasn't so bad. I thought it would be horrible, but it wasn't. I put up several of Brian's ornaments from his childhood. The kids decorated it the way they wanted. We have colored, non-blinking lights. It's what they wanted. We put up a lighted wreath and trees outside. That's about all the decorating I'm doing. The kids put the little elves up around the living room.
I'm finding that it is shopping that is giving me more anxiety than anything. I went to the grocery store the other day and felt short of breath and fuzzy. I chalked it up to low blood sugar. Then yesterday I went to Kohl's and saw all of the men's things and began to think of Brian. The girls always picked out character pajama bottoms from there. I got short of breath again and felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I took deep breaths as I walked down the aisles. Then I found a book called, "I Know My Daddy Loves Me." Of course I had to read it. So, then I cried. I got my stuff and got out of there. I then had a bright idea to go to Target to pick up a few things. It only got worse there. I had breakfast, so it wasn't the blood sugar. What do I do? This is making shopping not fun at all. Not that it has been. I'm going for my follow up with my new medication next week. I'll let him know. Meanwhile I get to go to his family's Christmas party this weekend. I told his mother that we needed to put a sign on the door that said, "We are all ok, please don't ask." Think it would work? I doubt it too.
I'll wrap this up with a conversation with my youngest daughter last night as we were putting up the tree.
T: Mommy, do you think you'll get remarried?
Me: Yes.
T: Well, when?
Me: When I find someone special again.
T: Why don't you go to www.whynotdateme.com
Out of the mouths of babes.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
On a high for the week.
Well, my director agreed to withdraw me from my social studies class. It won't even show up on my transcript. I will take it next fall and student teach in the spring of 2011. I have a plan. I walked out of there feeling like the weight of the world was off of my shoulders. I've been in such a good mood ever since. Now, my mother isn't very happy, but then again when is she ever happy? She's worried about money and insurance. Blah, blah, blah. I'll just sub more to get more $$. I really should have kept my old job, but hindsight is 20/20. Who knew that I would need more time with school?
Things are coming along. Mom and Dad are spending the night on Christmas Eve, so the girls and I won't be alone for Christmas morning. I plan on ordering a turkey for Christmas from Wegmans. I don't feel like cooking. It's all I can do to think about putting up a tree. Ugh. The girls decorated a small tree to put on Brian's grave. We will take it there next Sunday on our way to Mom and Dads.
A friend of mine is helping me plan for a new kitchen. I'm sure Mom will LOVE this. Oh well, we will be fine on money. I'm sure of it. I keep thinking that I'll get it back when I sell the house. I may even like the house a little better. I really like the new layout. I hope it works out. I'm living for today, not for tomorrow. You just never know...
As for Pat, we had a great talk last night. We are just friends, but it's nice he confides in me and vice versa. He reminds me a lot of Brian. Chad came over the other night to check on us. He stayed for like 5 hours on Friday night. I'm hoping Lisa wasn't too mad. It was so nice to see the kids laughing and wrestling with him. It was like Brian was in the air. There was a feel of family. He played Rock Band with the girls and we even judged the kids playing, "So you think you can dance." It was hilarious. It was a wonderful night.
Morgan is going back to counseling tonight. I'm hoping to set up a standing appt. so that this stomach thing can come to a close. I don't know what else to do.
Well, the dinner bell is ringing. I must feed the little children. :)
Things are coming along. Mom and Dad are spending the night on Christmas Eve, so the girls and I won't be alone for Christmas morning. I plan on ordering a turkey for Christmas from Wegmans. I don't feel like cooking. It's all I can do to think about putting up a tree. Ugh. The girls decorated a small tree to put on Brian's grave. We will take it there next Sunday on our way to Mom and Dads.
A friend of mine is helping me plan for a new kitchen. I'm sure Mom will LOVE this. Oh well, we will be fine on money. I'm sure of it. I keep thinking that I'll get it back when I sell the house. I may even like the house a little better. I really like the new layout. I hope it works out. I'm living for today, not for tomorrow. You just never know...
As for Pat, we had a great talk last night. We are just friends, but it's nice he confides in me and vice versa. He reminds me a lot of Brian. Chad came over the other night to check on us. He stayed for like 5 hours on Friday night. I'm hoping Lisa wasn't too mad. It was so nice to see the kids laughing and wrestling with him. It was like Brian was in the air. There was a feel of family. He played Rock Band with the girls and we even judged the kids playing, "So you think you can dance." It was hilarious. It was a wonderful night.
Morgan is going back to counseling tonight. I'm hoping to set up a standing appt. so that this stomach thing can come to a close. I don't know what else to do.
Well, the dinner bell is ringing. I must feed the little children. :)
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Slap in the face
I have read several books on grieving: ones for children and for widows. Not one mentioned that month 6/7 would be the worst yet. I've totally lost it. I spent the entire time at the grief counselors crying. Then I came home to cry for another hour. I skipped class that night. I just couldn't be with people. I kept the babysitter and went to see the The Blind Side instead. Good movie. Robin, my counselor, suggested a few things to help me out in life.
1. Go to Mom's for Christmas so I don't have to be here.
2. Tell professors I need to slow down.
My kids nixed the Christmas at Mom's. They want it here. I can't blame them a bit, but it would make my life easier. For once, it's not all about me. So Christmas will be here in their home. I was able to get a majority of the kids Christmas presents on Black Friday. I just need to pick up little things here and there. It's my parents and others I need to get. Not sure what to do for all of them.
As for school, I spoke with my social studies professor last night and I think I'm going to drop her class. I'll finish up the math class, but I'm so far behind in SS that there is no way I will catch up. I go to talk to the director tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it all. I just have to go slower. One class at a time. I have a plan. Let's just hope the director agrees. It may be Spring of 2011 before I graduate, but I'll get there.
I think we should all write our own books. I know everyone's jouney is different, but we learn so much along the way. I'd give anything to wake up next to Brian again. I often wonder if I will ever get there again. Remember Pat, the guy I said I wasn't interested in? Well, I honestly don't think I am. But I must like the idea of his individual attention. He had told me before the engagement party not to let him know if I did hook up with anyone. I explained that wasn't fair and he responded with, I want my cake and eat it too. So, I guess that is my issue too. I got all hyped up when he called on Black Friday, even though he knew I was shopping with my aunts and cousins. He said he was checking up on me. Well that same night he texts me and answers that he is watching tv. I asked with who and he responded with a friend from work. I then told him he shouldn't be texting me then. The next night I made the mistake of asking him if this person was a boy or girl. It was a girl. I figured. He asked if I was mad. I said no, but asked how he'd feel if the tables were turned. He said he'd be jealous but happy for me. I told him I was, but in reality I wasn't. Then it dawned on me why I was so angry, he will hang out with her and won't even hang out with me as a friend. I let him know. All he could say is sorry. So now, I've let him text me first. He has been every night. I refuse to ask about the girl. He wouldn't kiss and tell anyway. Not sure what is going on here. Guess I thought he'd be the one who's chest I could lay on and have it mean nothing. So much for that. I know it's a lot to ask of a guy. Not to mention the train of baggage I bring along.
Thanksgiving went well. Judy and Joe weren't themselves, but it was nice. Mom and Dad came to support me. All of his family was there. The kids had great time playing. We get to do it all again on the 12th for the annual Christmas party. I'm not sure how they are still putting it on. It's not like Brian was the star of the party, but things just aren't the same there. The kids and Judy are going to decorate a small tree to put up for Brian at the cemetery. I can't even stand the sound of Christmas music. I am so anti-Christmas that it's not funny. I'm trying to keep it to myself for the kids, but not sure if I can make it the 24 days without losing it.
I'm not subbing anymore until after break. I need to get this house in order. It's a disaster. And even if I'm not subbing, my days seem to fill up so fast. I have two assignments left in Math and I'll be done. I'll be so glad come Dec. 17th.
I've either been up really late or sleeping all day. I can't get regulated. I was up till 4:30am on Sunday night, but then came home to take a 3 hour nap. There is no time for naps between now and Sunday. I look forward to them too. It's the only place I can go and forget the rest of this life. Guess I should head there now. A day of leisure is now full of three different meetings and basketball practice. Good nite all.
1. Go to Mom's for Christmas so I don't have to be here.
2. Tell professors I need to slow down.
My kids nixed the Christmas at Mom's. They want it here. I can't blame them a bit, but it would make my life easier. For once, it's not all about me. So Christmas will be here in their home. I was able to get a majority of the kids Christmas presents on Black Friday. I just need to pick up little things here and there. It's my parents and others I need to get. Not sure what to do for all of them.
As for school, I spoke with my social studies professor last night and I think I'm going to drop her class. I'll finish up the math class, but I'm so far behind in SS that there is no way I will catch up. I go to talk to the director tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it all. I just have to go slower. One class at a time. I have a plan. Let's just hope the director agrees. It may be Spring of 2011 before I graduate, but I'll get there.
I think we should all write our own books. I know everyone's jouney is different, but we learn so much along the way. I'd give anything to wake up next to Brian again. I often wonder if I will ever get there again. Remember Pat, the guy I said I wasn't interested in? Well, I honestly don't think I am. But I must like the idea of his individual attention. He had told me before the engagement party not to let him know if I did hook up with anyone. I explained that wasn't fair and he responded with, I want my cake and eat it too. So, I guess that is my issue too. I got all hyped up when he called on Black Friday, even though he knew I was shopping with my aunts and cousins. He said he was checking up on me. Well that same night he texts me and answers that he is watching tv. I asked with who and he responded with a friend from work. I then told him he shouldn't be texting me then. The next night I made the mistake of asking him if this person was a boy or girl. It was a girl. I figured. He asked if I was mad. I said no, but asked how he'd feel if the tables were turned. He said he'd be jealous but happy for me. I told him I was, but in reality I wasn't. Then it dawned on me why I was so angry, he will hang out with her and won't even hang out with me as a friend. I let him know. All he could say is sorry. So now, I've let him text me first. He has been every night. I refuse to ask about the girl. He wouldn't kiss and tell anyway. Not sure what is going on here. Guess I thought he'd be the one who's chest I could lay on and have it mean nothing. So much for that. I know it's a lot to ask of a guy. Not to mention the train of baggage I bring along.
Thanksgiving went well. Judy and Joe weren't themselves, but it was nice. Mom and Dad came to support me. All of his family was there. The kids had great time playing. We get to do it all again on the 12th for the annual Christmas party. I'm not sure how they are still putting it on. It's not like Brian was the star of the party, but things just aren't the same there. The kids and Judy are going to decorate a small tree to put up for Brian at the cemetery. I can't even stand the sound of Christmas music. I am so anti-Christmas that it's not funny. I'm trying to keep it to myself for the kids, but not sure if I can make it the 24 days without losing it.
I'm not subbing anymore until after break. I need to get this house in order. It's a disaster. And even if I'm not subbing, my days seem to fill up so fast. I have two assignments left in Math and I'll be done. I'll be so glad come Dec. 17th.
I've either been up really late or sleeping all day. I can't get regulated. I was up till 4:30am on Sunday night, but then came home to take a 3 hour nap. There is no time for naps between now and Sunday. I look forward to them too. It's the only place I can go and forget the rest of this life. Guess I should head there now. A day of leisure is now full of three different meetings and basketball practice. Good nite all.
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