I am ten days short of six months without Brian. Since school started, I have been having a very difficult time. It hasn't been one thing in particular. It has been a combination of EVERYTHING. I enjoyed my long term sub position but was ready to be done when my time was up. That on top of grad school and the kids put me over the edge. I put off all grad work until the sub position was over, Oct. 1. And here it is Oct. 17 and I'm still behind. I got kicked out of my endorsement class and absolutely HAVE to have it to student teach in the spring. I freaked at first, but have come to deal with the reality. So, I don't graduate in the Spring. I wait till fall. So what? I still finish, right? My mother is unaware of this. She is going to freak out. I set up a meeting with the director of the program for Monday. We shall see what she says my options are. I know that I cannot take on anymore at the moment. I find it very difficult to concentrate on anything. I can read a chapter and not remember a damn thing. Hence the drop out of the endorsement class. Ugh.
All I want to do, and all I seem to be doing, is lie in bed. I get the kids off to school and climb back in bed. I'm guessing it doesn't help I'm up so late like tonight. Today I slept until 2pm, got up, showered, did the dishes and then went to get the girls from school. Honestly, I want to drop the kids off at my mother's for a week and stay in bed. I would hope that after a week I would get sick of it and snap out of this funk. I am far worse than I was in the beginning. People said this would happen. I thought I was doing so well. I see it happening before my eyes, yet I can't do anything to stop it. I know the difference between right and wrong and what I am doing is wrong. Tonight was the first, maybe second, night I cooked dinner since he's been gone and ate as a family. Six months people.
Brian was my best friend. He was the one I would be talking to now about all of this. But he's not here. My best friend is gone. To read it makes it so real. I miss him. I miss his voice, his eyes, his touch, and him being a daddy. I get very little break. I want that time at 6pm when he used to walk in and take over. I don't get that anymore. The girls, they miss him so. Poor Morgan has been taking over. Sad, but true. God love her. She has been helping out in the kitchen at breakfast and lunch. I try to tell her how much I appreciate all she does. She starts counseling again on Monday. I'm hoping it helps her stomach issues. They were ok for a bit until school started. I'm guessing the stress of school triggered it again.
I myself have felt ill lately. I had finally written the old boyfriend off and then I get the call. You know the drunk dialer. He said everything I had so wanted to hear. EVERYTHING. He explained to me why he had waited and asked if I was glad. I am, I know I'm not ready. He promised me the moon, stars and the sun and reneged the next day. I'm guessing the alcohol gave him the courage to say the truth and then that scared him. I was sick all weekend. Not sure if it was Jay or a stomach bug. I'm thinking a little of both, since I have been feeling nauseous every time he comes up in thought or conversation. We did talk last night and agreed to be "friends." I'll take it. I'm not sure I'm really ready for anything more anyway. He says he's used to doing things whenever and wherever without checking in with someone and he's still wants to play the field. Whatever field that is. We are 35 people. lol. I asked him what he thought it was I really wanted from the relationship. Then I laid it all out there. I said I wanted to lie with a man with my head on his chest while watching TV. I asked if he could give me that, because THAT is what I want. He ignored the question and we have moved on. I just can't let things go. I bring up past conversations and probably say too much. This dating thing, whenever I get there, is going to suck. I'm too straight forward now. Brian didn't play games. Say what you want. Bottom line. So, now I do.
Anyway, I have started seeing a grief counselor. She is awesome. I'm hoping to go back next week. She makes me feel normal. Whatever that is.
I've officially been up for 12 hours and it's 2am. Guess I should go to bed. Tomorrow we have the school funfair and the movies with my cousin. I'll be putting on the brave face for the funfair. I'll be getting all of "the looks" that I dread. You know, the ones that say, "Oh her husband is dead, she must be a mess." Yes, yes I am.
