The Dance

"The Dance" starring Brian and Toni

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance


Brian and I were like two dancers moving in sync with the music. We knew who was going left and who was going right. Sometimes he led and I followed and sometimes I led and he followed. We just were. At parties we could be together, yet apart. We knew each others thoughts and movements. It is so hard to be at parties with a bunch of couples. I'm always the third wheel. I envy those that share a kiss in the corner. I cringe when I see families laughing from a far. Why isn't that me? Why can't I have that? What did I do to deserve to be alone? We were perfect. When I see couples fighting over stupid stuff at parties I just want to shake them and tell them to get over it and love one another. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Though six months ago, if someone would have told me the same, I would have shrugged them off.

Nothing is forever and we need to treat each day as if it were our last. On my birthday we all went out to dinner. As we walked to the ice cream shop we passed by several little shops with cute displays in the windows. As I was ordering our ice cream, Brian said he would be right back. He didn't want anything. He returned with a big bag. I asked him what it was and he told me it was a birthday present. Being sentemental, I didn't want to open it until I got home. It turns out that he bought me a wooden sign that said, "Always Kiss Me Goodnight." I LOVED it. It is so true. I didn't like going to bed fighting. There were many a nights that we were up until all hours talking until all was well. Making up was much more fun than fighting.

I'm not sure what I will do without my dancing partner. For now I will dance. This is what I believe Brian is telling me to do:

I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..

For now I chose to dance. Sometimes fast and sometimes slow, but I will keep on dancing.

Moving forward, but dragging my feet.

Brian's boss sent me an email yesterday stating that Sept. 1, 2009 would have been Brian's 6th year anniversary at AmCad. The place he loved going to everyday was the place that helped take his life. Ok, so that is just my opinion, but I feel the stress from his job contributed to his untimely death. I know that heredity, diet and other things contributed as well, but still. They stole his sole and took advantage of a very good man. He never said no. He made whatever they wanted work.

I miss talking to him. After class yesterday I wanted to call him on my way home. I miss the hugs and kisses. I miss hearing his voice. What happens if I forget his voice? I know I have videos of the girls and him, but I'm not ready to watch them yet.

This semester I have a full load. How am I ever going to get through this without him. I depended on him for so many things. He got me through so many projects and papers. He always knew how to talk me down from one of my anxiety attacks. Brian would proof read my assignments and give me feedback. He would keep the girls while I attended classes. He would make dinner and put them to bed. Oh how I miss him. I know that I have to finish this program in order to support my family, but I was hoping to do so with Brian by my side. I wanted him to be in my graduation picture.

I find myself, purposefully, not looking at pictures of him. I'm not sure if it is too painful or if I like to pretend he is still away. I want to get new pictures of the girls together. I was going to do it for his birthday, but his time ran out. I thought of having the 4 of us done, but that is so permanent. Us, without him.

Taylor has been giving me a really hard time lately. Her temper tantrums are coming more often. Over the weekend I had to drag her out of Costco screaming. I had told her that she couldn't have a lava lamp and she threw a fit. I had her sisters put the Halloween costume back. She didn't deserve anything for that behavior. That is when she hit me with her cast. When I grabbed her she proceeded to bite me on my arm. I still have the bruise. With that I left my mother to pay for our items and took Taylor to the van. What on earth do I do with her? Is it grief, age, or anger? Is she just testing me? I'm so done with this. I'm hoping when school starts that she will get better. Maybe we all need a little structure in our lives. I have enjoyed spending the summer with the girls, but we all need to get back to reality. Even if it does suck!

We are all moving forward into these uncharted waters. Together we can do it. For better and for worse.